The Fool's New Blog

On Romance

2011-09-28T12:26:00.000+05:30

It just happened.

After years of dreaming of what it might be like

How it might happen

It took things in its own hands

It just happened.

And I watched.

It swept me up and carried me away,

In a blink everything was new

The world had changed around me

As I watched.

It seeped into me.

It looked like nothing at all

And yet I wanted nothing else

I could see it in everything, feel nothing else

It was already within me.

Why are there any questions?

If it is, it is

When it wasn't, it still was, waiting

And now you say it can't be

Why ask at all?

And the interlude ended.

That's when Romance took over

Stayed with me, in me

I see it still, all around

A new interlude every day.

Memory is awake now.

It has sharper features, stronger feelings

Deeper colours, hazier edges

Messier recall and tidier highlights

Memory may yet take over.

Yet, that first moment, sharp as a knife

Cuts through questions,

Through doubts, even memories

There throbs the heart of all romance

In that moment, it lives.

Back!

2011-02-07T23:00:00.002+05:30

And suddenly, one night, out of the nothingness of too much work, too much stress, too much everything (but too little food), rises a lazy memory of who you are. You want to part your hair down the middle and make two neat plaits, and the stress of looking good is suddenly beyond you. All you want in life is suddenly clear, because you can actually see it in front of your eyes. It's coming to you on its own, and the happiness you get out of doing what should have been a dry chore hints at there being something inherently perfect about this seemingly messed up life. And after months and years when you blocked out songs because of associations you hung on them, its a revelation when a certain kind of movie or song, just doesn't bother you anymore. A movie you last watched more than ten years ago keeps you up half the night, and gives you a headache the next day, but flicks the switch in your head or heart that opens a door to another place, somewhere you used to go before, but for some reason or the other, just forgot the way to. New people bring new experiences, but they also bring back everything you thought you had forgotten, and though it isn't clear to you how you ought to classify those memories now, it's nice to have them handy. It's nice to have you back.

Here and There :)

2010-09-16T18:29:00.047+05:30

Early in the morning, as the mist over the mountains thinned into an indistinct haze, a solitary plume of smoke rose in the distance. Considering what a busy hill-station this was, the sense of tranquility that seemed to soak each passing moment was unexpectedly invigorating.

It was beautiful here. Climbing up, high above the plains, everything became ridiculously simple and uncomplicated. The view was stunning up here, the very air seemed sparkling with some strange magic.

Breakfast was a leisurely feast, the marmalade somehow essential to the setting. Do cane and marmalade actually go well together? Food... it's all about food at the end of the day! What we feed our bodies, what we feed our minds, what kind of mess we cook up with our emotions...

No, no! This story is not going to be all about food; that just happened to be on my mind (as usual). This story is about one of the many other things that usually are on my mind. The occasional mystery, for instance.

It all began some months ago, at a popular hang-out in South Delhi. There they were, five young boys, dirty, unkempt but supremely confident of their place under the sun (for that is where they spent most of their time). The bags in their hands may have been stuffed with rubbish, their brains crammed full of instructions to scavenge and claw theirway through life, but for that one moment, they were kids having fun.

Fun.

This needed looking into. It had been a while since fun had thumbed its nose at me so unexpectedly. It was like a sign that said: Catch me if you can!

Well, I'd like to, ofcourse... who wouldn't! But hey, all around me, there were people, cars, noise, smoke... the works! It seemed to be a trifle overcrowded for something as simple as Fun.

So I thought of going some place that messed up my senses less. Luckily, some friends wanted to go visit Humayun's Tomb, so I tagged along!

The monument was beautiful as ever, though pretty well swarming with tourists. The smaller tomb of Isa Khan was comparatively quiet. Yes! Good place to contemplate things, or merely take a few pictures without worrying about getting twenty random people in the frame!

The sun was already starting to yawn a little, and I had a long way to travel, so that day's investigations had to be abandoned. A new day and a new plan would solve the mystery, I was sure!

I spent the journey home thinking of bed and how nice it would feel to relax each part of my body, dreaming about what I would dream about when asleep!! Of course, that is not quite what happened!

Yes, we ended up at the mall.

A mall can be a fun place to be. There are brilliant lights in all colours, people of all kinds to watch, and of course, lots to eat! Bro was home after ages, so even though we were both rather worn out, we washed our faces and sallied forth. 'To the Mall', said he. To the Mall, it was.

While I savoured every spoonful of the chocolate ice cream he was treating me to, Bro flirted a little with the nearby billboard. Discovery of the evening: Laughter goes deliciously well with ice cream and chocolate sauce!

It so happened that Bro had some other news as well!! 'We're off to Bombay tomorrow,' he said. Perfect!! I called up my friends in that city to tell them the glad news immediately!

Friends are fun!!! And my friends in particular tend to sport rather nice footwear.

Ah, I digress! So, bro and I reached Bombay, and just because the autos there are so much of a change from the ones in Delhi, we started taking photographs almost as soon as we sat in it!

*Ting*: Sound made by the meter. Also a sound I rather like! Additionally, a sound that makes me happy, simply because it means I'm in a different part of the country and that I'm travelling!

Evening is, of course, the time to traipse around Bombay, and we did so, meeting the recently-red-headed one and doing all the touristy things possible!!

The sight of lights on water was like the sparkly paper on a gift. Of course, we'd beenenjoying the city for a while before we got to see the pretty wrapper, but still totally worth it!

Tired, but very happy, we called it a day.

The next morning, we were traveling again, this time by road. The road from Bombay to Shirdi is sometimes a nightmare, cause the people who drive trucks, buses, vans, cabs and the occasional motorcycle on that road seem to delight in trying to overtake other vehicles just as some huge bus or truck rounds a corner towards them, full speed ahead!

A could of trips down, you become immune and really start enjoying the scenery. You are liable to pick up a little marathi as well (I now know how to say 'there's a school up ahead': pudhe shaala aahe).

What I particularly like about that part of the countryside is the shape of their bullock carts. Unlike what I grew up seeing in UP, the carts here are a beautiful curvy shape, with nice large wheels that somehow look very romantic! Maybe the fact that I first saw these in the moonlight has something to do with it!

While at Kohrale, a small sleepy village, I met Lakshmi the blind cow, who could only see food, or so the guys who were taking care of her claimed! She was quite a sweet thing, happily eating all that was put before her, and trying to take the occasional bite from us tasty little morsels. That blissful day soon passed, however, and we had to go back. That's when it started to rain!

The droplets of water seemed to have washed the entire earth clean and she was resplendent in all her green finery as we sped back to the city.

Soon, too soon, we were back in Bombay, and then in Delhi, where the erratic rainfall kept us wondering!

I was happy to be home, but the short, swift trip had left me buzzing with energy. I thought this would be a good time to write to my sister in college down South!

Apart from the random thrill I get from using inland letters, it's the thought of how happy it makes me to receive letters that had me writing to her. Telephones and emails made a lot of what i wrote to her redundant, but i guess the essence of that moment reached her through the ink on the paper!!

That brings me back to the beginning of this story... the hills and the tranquility.

Sitting with my feet dangling in the cold, fresh water (rushing down to be worshipped and desecrated in equal measure), my mind went back to those boys in that busy Delhi marketplace. Fun. I had my share of fun in my random quest, not when I was trying to, but in between the searching, traveling, randomness and rain drop chasing. That felt good. That explained life for me.

I'm tired now! Rambling is fun, but makes you sleepy after a while!

circumstances beyond control

2010-07-06T10:25:00.002+05:30

There are always things you want to control, but can't. The weather, for instance. When I was in Dehradun, the weather improved in Delhi. The day I came back, it was as hot as ever! The one day I forgot to take my umbrella along, it rained. The weather... what is one to do about it?

Then there are people. Of course, people are contrary by definition. The only reason some people are around you is so that they can do their bit in irritating you out of your mind. And however well you may plan your day and your life, you can count on people to behave contrarily and ruin all your plans. Your perfect day has every chance of being marred by people who don't think anyone has a right to the 'perfect day', who perhaps believe that 'perfect days' shouldn't be allowed, that they make people too happy for their liking. I dislike having people around me who frown upon happiness. I dislike having to deal with people who are so grim that they make you lose your pleasure in life. They are real life dementors, and they don't think about it long enough to realise it.

Everyone has this life as an opportunity to share love. Instead, some people frown upon love, even though they may be benefitting from it immensely. People are contrary. They are beyond one's control. The only control you have is over yourself. You can choose to make yourself happy and you can choose to create love. You can choose to live Now in this beautiful moment and maybe that way your plans won't get scuttled, because the only plan is for this very moment.

Disbelief

2010-04-27T20:09:00.002+05:30

So when did this happen?

When did delight turn right around

How came irritation in its place

Or is this a new way you've found

To denigrate a pure emotion

And believe the noise around?

How come you care

About some stares

some random opinion or gossip

Why are they so important to you

that you rant you rave you shout

For something simple that they don't get

But hey,

neither do you, now.

2010-04-09T09:58:00.002+05:30

There are sunny days and cloudy days, rainy days and sultry days. There are days you wish would never end and there are days you wish had never dawned. Sometimes, the same day becomes all of these.

The last few days were hot and sunny days, merging with cloudy and outright smokey days, not to speak of loud and disturbing days. That's what happens when it's rally hot and you are forced to close all doors and windows to try and keep out the din being made by a truckload of road repairers with wives and children in tow. The people noises were hardly audible above the constant thundering of the strange machine that spewed smoke like twenty factories together.

It was so bad, cause we couldn't breathe, our eyes hurt and itched, and the added heat from the burning tar barrels and the gigantic machine just about defrosted our fridge for us. Looking at the women and kids made me feel worse.

While the women either shovelled some sand or gravel or whatever it was that they had piled up, or sat in the shade of some trees, the kids were all over the place, pushing barrels, sitting on sand heaps, beating stones with sticks, looking grubby and happy.

Why were little kids allowed on such sites? Because their mothers had to come too and where would the kids go? Why were some of the kids helping in the work? Because there wasn't anyone to ensure that they didn't, or that they went to a school, neither were their parents interested in that option. Considering that most of them are seasonal migrants, schooling is patchy even in cases where they do get sent to study.

There's a very nice case of such kids being taught by a couple of university students outside a temple nearby. The difference between the schooled and unschooled kids from this fluid migrant labouring group is pretty sharp. On days when people feed the poor outside temples, there are some who descend on them in a mob formation, with the kids being taught by their parents to beg, hide the food they got the first time and come again to ask for more, to lie about having already been fed, and to fight off any other people who might get a grain of rice more than them.

The other group is of kids who are begin taught by the university students. The understand the meaning of a line and seem to get the concept that everyone will get equal amounts if they don't try to grab. They are polite, the older ones teaching the younger ones to say 'thank you' and going off in an orderly fashion after they have eaten. They tend to ask politely if they may take some for their families, and surprisingly, even their parents seem to curb the tendency to socialise them in the 'beg and grab' technique.

Pre-Midnight

2009-12-31T23:36:00.002+05:30

There is less than half an hour to midnight, and as I wipe away the sniffles from my cold and rather pink nose, I have finally made up my mind.

Tomorrow is less than half an hour away, while my pen is close at hand.

A new year will begin in less than half an hour, and a few minutes later it'll face its first eclipse. My diary will have faced it's first scribbles for 2010 before that. More startling things will, of course, happen in the days to come.

Snacktime

2009-11-19T18:33:00.002+05:30

Yes, indeed! Winter is snacktime, and almost-winter is even better! Half of November has already slipped by, and the nip in the air is back, though you thought it would never make it, considering the heat of summer (which looked like it planned to stay forever) and all those nasty climate-change rumours.

In short, it was time for one of those famous samosa-jalebi parties. There are few things more satisfying than fresh, hot jalebis and samosas on a chilly evening when however bravely you might wear capris, you tend to have the prudence to team it with socks below and poncho above.

As we set out to get the goods, my nose felt cold and had, I was sure, turned a nice shade of pink: a sure sign that the weather was just right. And voila! The particular samosa-jalebi wala we patronize was surrounded by a happy looking crowd, ordering everything from pakodas to chowmein! And oh, it was the ultimate theli-wala-chowmein... you could tell just by the smell! As dad made his way through the crowd, I placed myself strategically, where I wouldn't get jostled, but would still have the aroma of that wonderful chowmein wafting by.

There is just no way I can have samosas and jalebis without thinking of nani and the numerous samosa-jalebi parties we had. I remember one we had in Calcutta, shortly before they shifted back here... through the hallucinations and confusion and everything, nani wanted to have a samosa party! She's passed her love of all things snacky and yum to me, I suspect.

As dad handed me the packet, complaining that his hands were sticky, my hands made an involuntary dive into the packet to grab a jalebi before it had the time to lose even half a degree of heat. And so, throughout the drive home, I was munching on jalebis, and then, to offset the sweetness, on the crisp sides of the samosas. No wonder I don't lose any weight.

However, as I see it, it's ok, cause I may as well enjoy it while I can. You never know about the future, specially with all the 'end-of-the-world' movies they keep making every so often. Even if they manage to save the world, suppose they don't manage to save any of the good samosa-jalebi walas??

The future according to astrologerical people isn't any more promising... if there are foreign climes on the cards, then I should actually devote every possible moment to savouring things like this, that I just know I will crave for if I can't have!!!

Interestingly, as I wrote all this, I remembered samosas being made at home in Baraut. I think that may well be one of my first memories of it!! There was always something being tried out there when we were much too young to appreciate most of it. I think I ought to try it too. I might need it in those foreign climes on a dull and cheerless day!!!

Rambling

2009-09-28T03:01:00.002+05:30

Why should it be so difficult to realise what we are doing? While we are doing it, I mean. Why is it that it all seems to make sense and have a logic of its own and even an inevitability of some kind, but in the end, why does it all turn out to be a fabric created by own imagination, coloured by our own fanciful palette, tasting faintly burnt, specially around the corners?

While its always nice to hope that it won't actually turn out that way, why does it feel like it might? After all, it wouldn't be a really bad thing, except for the burnt around the corners part of it... that's going to be called regret, I believe. For the rest, it would be experience (though the experience may be nothing more educational than one page filled with colour for a two year old. How many pages of scrawled colour make for one pretty picture, after all?) and there is always the possibility that if I have to get it wrong, I'm getting it wrong Now, thinking that it'll turn out to be all wrong Later.

It's past three in the morning and I'm just home after a rather long movie which I quite enjoyed, though it could have done without about three or four songs that made it drag a bit; that explains why I'm rambling, though it doesn't give away Why I'm rambling thusly (wink wink)

I'm a bit disappointed with Archies Gallery. After making such a hue and cry about Daughter's Day and etc., it turned out that the only piece of merchandise that anyone would have been tempted to buy was not exactly merchandise at all. There was a nice long poster on the window of most AGs saying 'My Daughter, My Hero', with a rather cute cartoony girl under the slogan. I wanted that poster. I had already decided to stick it on the door of my room. And it isn't even merchandise... just promotional. Blah!

Heights of Sights

2009-09-17T10:32:00.003+05:30

There is in this part of the world a rich tradition of decorating vehicles, not just with the regular pictures of peacocks, cow and calf, or flowers of various kinds, but also with written matter. There is a lot of artistry that goes into writing even simple things like 'Horn Please' (in any of the numerous spelling variants including 'Horan Pelas', among others). Some people, of course, go beyond the mundane public-service messages like 'Use Dipper at Night'*, and there is every possibility that you will get to read a nice sher or two behind the most unlikely looking vehicles. Some messages are gems.

This one says 'Jinhe jaldi hai, ve chale gaye; hum to aise hi jayenge'
(those who were in a hurry have gone, we will go like this only)

*Incidentally, I always thought 'Dipper' was some kind of a mosquito repellant... like GoodKnight or something...

For future reference...

2009-07-26T23:27:00.005+05:30

1. Watching movies... good ones... for most of the day will definitely take your mind off whatever is troubling you, long enough for you to have one slightly less torturous day.

2. However, if you still can't get it off your mind, you are likely to end up feeling acidic.

3. If, being in this state, you can't somehow manage to do the rational thing and have some digene, you will at least be in a position to largely ignore the discomfort.

4. Having an interview the next day for something you are unsure about is not likely to help in the least.

5. A mild headache is to be expected.

6. Despite all the diversions for the mind, planned or otherwise, throughout the day there will be more moments of clarity than could be hoped for.

7. It is possible that the tension between diverting the mind away from all issues and applying the mind to the same for new and original solutions might have given rise to the heartburn in the first place.

8. At the end of the day, you may or may not have enough energy to write down everything that was learnt in the numerous inner revelations during the day; however, do your best, it's likely to be a rare something - good advice that you gave yourself.

9. It's unlikely that you will be able to take any drastic steps; however, they will start to appear entirely do-able, which is a feeling that may even make it to the next day.

10. You will realise how absolutely fantastic you are, which will make you sad when you think about how strange (and hence depressing) it is that no one else seems to have caught on to it, but then again, it will amaze you to see how that thought makes your hair look wonderful again.

Night all.

Another reason to grin stupidly...

2009-07-22T22:04:00.002+05:30

http://poetreecreations.co.uk/the-genius-of-the-workforce/

:)

2009-07-22T08:49:00.002+05:30

It may not mean a thing
If I hope and pray and wish
For all the best things for you
And that they should all come true
But still I do! :)

The joys of cooking!

2009-07-17T08:50:00.005+05:30

What delicious flavours
what rich colours
blend, yet hold their own
as the ladle swirls them around
with one harmonising twist
of the cook's wrist
and with oh, such a lot of sound!
bubbling, sizzling
noisily melding
while the aroma wafts around
Soothing my tummy's growl!!!

The Genius of the Workforce

2009-06-02T16:07:00.003+05:30

The genius of the workforce
truly can astound
They work from dawn to dusk,
or the other way round

Turn back age induced pinnochiosis
using the insitutional grindstone;
Magically create a well-rounded bottom
just working their minds to the bone

They thrive on unreal air
and grow spectacles in unreal light
One pointed devotion to that wish list
doesn't matter if it's even right

There is more, much more
that I would like to say;
About how liberating it is,
Now that i'm quitting and going away

But why not let it be for now
There is still work to do
A week to finish whatever,
then off into the blue!!

Yeah... I'm at work, and so, so bored!!!!!!

Oui, et Non...

2009-04-27T12:37:00.002+05:30

Sometimes, some things reach such a superlative level of 'whatever'-ness, that it is mind boggling how they got this far!!! I just read something from two weeks back, and suddenly I am wondering what on earth I spend my time and energy on. It is almost as if I Want to be stupid. Aaaargh!!! And just in case it Needs to be stated yet again, I Don't Like People!

And Bleargh.

It's a Bat, Man! and other tales...

2009-04-21T18:21:00.003+05:30

The workplace is sometimes more fun than it probably wants to be. And that is one of the reasons I am still here.

The thing is, that since I went to a girls college, the possibility of teasing friends with guys and other such juvenile fun never arose, really. And so, it was a new and altogether hilarious experience to find that workplaces can be made entertaining just by the presence of one good friend and a random collection of loser-type guys.

Now, before we get into the details, let me enlighten you about the setting of the action. Office happens to be on the top floor of an Hotel, with a nice view of Delhi. However, there is no convenient canteen type place for people to take a tea-break. But there are quite a few offices on the upper floors of the hotel and hence quite a large number of people who have nowhere to go when they want a little break. There was one little boxy room where a chai-wala made his little fortune selling chips for a rupee more than MRP and so forth, but for some reason he now is forbidden to serve any but the employees of some random office. In other words, no more merry gatherings on the fourth floor.

But it wasn't always so! Back in the days when it was the hub of all the random people of the earth, friend S and I had many entertaining conversations, many, though not all, of which involved some or the other random guy who may or may not have been eyeing either or both of us.

So if we were sitting on the stairs, and person X walked by, I would nudge her and ask "Why was that loser checking you out??" while she would raise her eyebrows meaningly and ask me in her most suggestive tone, "Poor guy, he was staring at you and you didnt even look at him... poor fellow... it's not good, A, you should not do this to people..." and so on. Person X could be a sweeper, an ageing uncle with a potbelly, a young executive type, a lawyer, or just a random entity. It didn't matter, really.

The best of the lot were probably the lawyers, who at least could be depended upon to dress decently. One in particular had the most fascinating profile. So pleased was S when I mentioned this, that she sent me to pay the chai-wala just so that I would have to walk past Mr. Side-profile and could check out whether the front view was as good. Also, she was certain that he was checking me out (as usual) and so she was doing him a big favour as well. She even messaged me when I was in Bombay to tell me that she had spotted my 'side-profile' fellow!!

I may also mention that S being a lawyer herself is convinced that all lawyers are her brothers and sisters. In other words, she put paid to all my attempts at teasing her by adopting the entire lot as long lost siblings.

Then there is Champu/Champak Charlie. Equally random, Champu works in the same office as us, and S has decided that he has a 'thing' for me. Since he is entirely weird, and we don't even know his name, we christened him Champu/ Champak, because he seems like one. Anytime he is in the section for some work, S has her 'suggestive' face on. I'm convinced he is fascinated by her, simply cause if he meets the two of us, he studiously avoids looking at her, but I'm sure he darts furtive glances her way.

The most hilarious of the lot though, is the case of the person in office who is part of the AS's staff, I think; S says he's a peon, and I suppose he must be. There comes a point where you can't be entirely sure of anything, specially when the information comes from someone who tells you (yet again) that the guy in question spends most of the day lounging around the section gazing at... who else. According to her, she has a wonderful view of the section from her desk, and since she has all the time in the world to do nothing but gaze around, she notices that this fellow is constantly staring. So she came up with this elaborate plan once, where she would message me everytime she saw him staring at me, so that I could turn and see for myself that it wasnt all in her head. Alas, all lab conditions can't be controlled, and despite a lot of (free) messages being sent my way, I never once managed to see for myself!

One strange thing about our Division, though, is that there are a lot of peons, and all of them are loud, pretty abusive, and for some strange reason, take great delight in burping horribly all the time. I suppose it's better to have loud peons with a heavy dose of haryanvi jat-ness thrown in, that to have dead bats in the air vents.

Apparently, in the days when our Ministry had newly acquired this office, they had to summon pest control a lot, cause of the various kinds of livestock that the Hotel people had bred there. Apart from the mandatory cockroaches and rats and mice, there were bats. Without too many creepy stories on that, I'll just mention that dead bats in the air vents sound even worse than live bats in the air vents. However, for some reason, I was always a little sceptical about all these tall tales as I thought they were, specially when S would point to the dark corners of the stairwell and try to convince me that she saw a bat. Until we rounded a corner one bright, sunny day, and actually saw a bat! Flying around looking confused, we thought... but right then, S came up with 'It's a bat, man!' so loudly that the poor confused bat probably got a little more confused wondring if it was indeed a superhero, recently relocated from Gotham City.

Ok, now I'm sleepy, so more tales next time.

Shenanigans

2009-04-20T21:25:00.002+05:30

So, there's this sardarji in office.. he's the PS to the JS, and he's entertaining. And resourceful. But always entertaining. He has these fascinating eyes, which I suppose could qualify as hazel, for they are almost but not quite green.

Sardarji thinks he's smart, and therefore dresses smartly, carries himself well, and does all kinds of smart things. He also has a very smart wardrobe. All nice suits and stuff. None of your regular sarkari slackness about it. There is one, in particular, that knocks you out. It has these jazzy stripes, and the trousers and coat when worn together seem to be but one flowing tribute to a jailbird. Whenever he wears that I can Not concentrate on anything he says, for I am spellbound by his sartorial statement.

And he has the most fascinating way of talking to a person. He'll just sidle over and before you know it, he's passing on some information in the best spy-thriller manner. In the whole salary shebang, he did more than anyone else to get up some kind of rebellion to force the paymasters to dish out the good stuff. Every day he would stride over and with a conspiratorial air ask if the good comrades (us) had spoken to so and so about the money. Or, more often, he would just come to tell us the progress that he had made so far, in keeping the pressure on the recalcitrant paymasters.

Today he even imparted a pearlie of wisdom. He made me call up the people who were supposed to pay us for Dec and Jan, and after other lengthy negotiations, it so happened that we actually found ourselves most unaccountably wealthy at the end of the day... the long awaited cheques were in our hands! That was when he nodded sagely and said 'Ladies ke bolne se soft ho jaate hain sab... isi liye mein bol raha tha aapko... ' Now we know. How come it doesn't work that way in all these other situations?

A smile, a yawn and much water under a bridge somewhere

2009-04-19T22:50:00.002+05:30

It's so hot. A week ago it was so wonderfully pleasant I just couldn't believe it. And then I went off to two hot places, and in the meantime Delhi had become a very hot place indeed, in more ways than the weather would lead you to believe. Right now all is pleasant once again, simply cause I've realised that sometimes it's better to just shut the window and put on the AC.

A nice thought is that it's less than three weeks to my birthday. Ever since a much delayed part of the still held-up salary was transferred to my account, I have been spending as much of it as the perhaps-permanently-scarred-with-the-possibility-of-penury financial part of my being allows. In other words, I have been haunting the malls and other random shops, singling out the ones with the largest 'Sale' posters, and making it a point to buy something from the places that say '70% Off!' Just to soothe myself, you know. The first thing I bought was a phone, and very pleased I am with it. Yes, that was bought at a discount too. The other shady details of that transaction I can not, alas! share here.

While on the Birthday, I wonder if I should write about the last few birthdays and all the mixed up feelings that come up if I bother to even randomly sit back in a comfortable chair and say, for example, "21" or "24" or some such. Not this time, I think. Maybe I shall write a B'day post on it, and now that I think about it, it would actually be quite entertaining to write about all that stuff. It's a thought anyhow.

Actually, it may just be that I am sleepy, but I find that I cannot stop myself from mentioning just one small little thing that ought to find a place in the possible-B'day-post. No details at the moment, but I bought myself something from Lush, and that just helped blow a little bubble that had wanted to float about for so long, but couldn't. Its a very pretty sight when loose ends are tied, even if it is mostly in your own head, and the way bubbles make the light refract is rather pretty too.

And Spring turns into Summer...

2009-03-05T15:06:00.003+05:30

Winter swept past with a flourish...
And nothing much besides.
Now spring has risen
From her bed of flowers
Fresh and dewy, and sweet

It already feels like summer
Though what has just begun
hasn't yet sunk in
Dreams of a frosted spring bloom
Might just wither in the heat

It's the strangest thing... I've been working here for three months now, haven't even been paid yet(not even once... wonder what I'm still doing here), and am learning all about all kinds of things that I wouldn't have otherwise had the time(even in case I did have the inclination) to even look at. I'm seeing the way the government works, and am fascinated by the kind of bureaucrats we have here - they are smart people, for the most part, and now more than ever, I am convinced that I should never try for the IAS... although just yesterday it struck me during a long-ish internal debate in the bus on the way back home that a government job of the kind that would entail dealing with the kind of stuff I get, really rates pretty high if you take into account things like the variety of matters that have to be dealt with and the mental gymnastics that can entail, the easy pace that prevails for the most part, the way lunchtime and holidays are inviolate, and the fact that it's perfectly understandable if you still have huge piles of work pending on your desk but will go home at the regular time...

Also refreshing in a most surprising way is the lack of a strange kind of peer pressure, that I never noticed, but which I think I am almost missing here... or maybe it's just a different kind of the same stuff... strange little things like the meaning of a 'party' or 'treat'... here and now, it means chai, samosa and one burfi, possibly on a paper plate, more likely served on a piece of newspaper because the peon who was sent to get the plates said the funds ran a little low, perhaps on account of his having pocketed them... point is, perhaps on account of not having been paid for so long, I quite appreciate all this economy... The whole idea of always eating in a 'Bhawan' instead of going for coffee at CCD, for instance, is a rather novel experience.

The other amusing and entertaining aspects of life here, including friends and soppy soaps, I shall talk about in another post. I have some fifteen files to deal with right now, of which about five are marked 'Urgent' and 'Immediate'. Sigh. As if.

A Walk

2009-01-22T09:00:00.003+05:30

It was such a beautiful afternoon, yesterday. The sun was shining, warming us after a chilly morning, while a cool breeze wafted by, making the branches of the trees sway gently, so that the shadows danced over us carelessly, even as a child on a high water thingy by the side of the road swung his legs idly while his mother dried her hair and gossiped with her friends, sitting there on the sidewalk. Some days reveal their beauty so unexpectedly, that it takes your breath away.

Hairy Tales

2009-01-17T21:24:00.002+05:30

In the days when dad sported an enforced punk hairdo, we came across this interesting signboard.

'God is Great. God Makes Men.
We make them Gentlemen'

Small Joys

2009-01-17T11:49:00.002+05:30

What an entertaining thought it is, that wherever I go, I find myself in familiar surroundings. Whether it is the bus or the workplace, the market or a conference, everything manages to settle itself very comfortably around the way my world functions. With a smile and some colour, almost everything can work the way best suited to my system.

There is perhaps only one thing that just doesn't work the way I want it to, that unsettles every comfortable situation and confounds my best efforts to lessen the turbulence.

The other day, I was wondering how it was possible to be as random as people in my present workplace are. I'm in the process of studying them and will soon write at length about what the old sarkari daftar can do to you!

On a related note, the latest thrill in my life is writing 'official' letters. It is a fascinating art, and one that can create much amusement even in an otherwise dull and sleepy day.

Ah, the small joys! I wonder if I can take much more of this fabulous existence!

Happy Birthday, Mom!!

2009-01-11T16:05:00.007+05:30

Flowers, and more flowers!!!!

A Mix-up

2009-01-10T16:23:00.006+05:30

We find such deep meaning
in tea leaves and TV
Such profound truth about ourselves
in what others do.
It feels like it's too much to take,
Or too little to drown in...
It's half wet, half done,
half a pillow, half a touch.
It's a twinkling light
halfway across the world
that echoes within, and yet...
It's done, it's gone.

Morning Blah

2009-01-09T09:08:00.003+05:30

* There will soon be a nice happy post here!!! However, that will be written when I'm home... till then, it shall have to be this!

This morning, I intended to wake up at four thirty, since there was a lot of work I wanted to complete, and the electricity situation is such that early morning is the only feasable time to get any work done without power cuts interrupting the flow. However, I didn't feel up to it, and an hour later, there was no light.

Yesterday was nice. Though largely unplanned, it was great fun, right from loitering around M-Block, to watching the strange procession, to wandering around the gardens and wonderfully restored structures of the Humayun's Tomb complex. Sadly, there wasn't enough camera-power to go around!

There is a strange meeting today, that I am supposed to attend for some strange reason. And this morning, I couldn't find the jacket I wanted to wear, I forgot to pick up my muffler, and broke a button of the coat I ultimately wore!!!

Let us see what else happens.

What be up, what be down

2008-12-19T13:30:00.004+05:30

Highlights of the day, so far...

Bullie giving me her muffler in the morning
Toblerone
The file with no number that hasn't been traced yet
A huge mango tree that fell outside SW's house, trapping her inside on her birthday, the day she'd taken leave from work, intending to hit the town and whatnot!
The battery of this phone which now pretends to have hardly any charge
Sandwiches

So I now work in a sarkari daftar, where there are way more computers than I had anticipated. However, they don't believe in using a UPS. And the files aren't half as dusty as I'd thought they would be. So that's another dashed hope!

Nothing in particular

2008-11-27T17:24:00.002+05:30

Five minutes to go... I've already gone around telling everyone that we aren't allowed to work after 5.15, and that they must shut down the comp immediately. They seemed to find that amusing, but sounded happy about it too. That's what office does to you, I guess!

Today I was sick and tired and sad and silent inside, but not particularly dissatisfied or 'itchy,' so to say. This inner silence is nice, of course... much nicer than the kind of storms that come with mood swingsy baggage. But it isn't a pleasant silence, so it isn't something I'd like to cultivate.

Ok, time's up
It's time to go
It'll be dark and bleak
And a cold wind will blow
Till I reach home
And I'll be warm again
But how do I warm
The silence within??

The latest in the wedding countdown...

2008-11-16T21:21:00.003+05:30

I'm sitting in front of the comp with Chandan paste smeared all over my face. I shall now explain how it all happened.

We had gone to INA market this afternoon to get jazzy blouses stitched, only to be turned away by the tailor-man, who said the 'master-ji' had gone back to the village!!! Rather disheartened, and not a little hungry, we decided to get some other work done while we were there (read: Visit Durga Masala Shop, where all Kashmiris go for their most basic needs, such as monj-achar). While mom got the guy there to put together a nice big pile of things for us to take home (including monj-achar!), I did what I always do there: look lost, look around, and give all the other Kashmiri aunties there a surreptious once-over. You can never be too careful.

It was in between trying not to catch the eye of one such fellow-customer, and wondering why mom couldn't have pretended not to have seen the turnips at the veggie-vendor, that the Chandan sticks were discovered. Of course, I had already got myself one of those, but what will you do when a whole bag of the same peeps shyly at you from between hokh-syun and vaer? Nudge mom and watch her add it to our pile of stuff, of course!

The helpful masala-man seemed pleased with our purchases, and as a bonus, he informed us that we could get a stone chakla just around the corner. Now, this piece of information was invaluable, since the only thing between me and perfect skin (apart from all the dust and pollution and whatnot) was the absence of an appropriate stone to make the paste on! So I sat and after half an hour of hard work managed quite a decent amount of the stuff... which is now smeared all over my face, special emphasis on the various eruptions which do so much to distract the disinterested viewer from the fact that my face has other features as well!

A Tag!!

2008-11-02T19:42:00.003+05:30

Work has changed a few things in my life. No, nothing substantial, really. Just that I now have a legitimate source of income. No, it's not like the money I earn has corrupted my innocent mind and rendered literary composition impossible. It's not even like the sometimes shockingly badly written articles I get to read everyday at work have completely numbed my brain. It's just that I have to sit in one cubiculum all day at work (which is ok only because my office reminds me of a lemon), and don't have the energy left at the end of the day to feed my muse anything, so nothing gets written here! And just when I was despairing of ever being able to blog... here comes a Tag!

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 Tag 6 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. If your lover betrayed you what would your reaction be?
Stunned disbelief, I guess... then I'd cut all cords, bless him, and more importantly, me!!!

2. If you could have one dream come true which one would it be?
The one about my peaceful sunshiney cottage with the garden and books and happiness and love

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
My brother's, sometimes

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Donate half of it, set up trusts and so forth
Go meet masi
Buy a camera
Travel
Spend my time healing, cause then I would have enough money not to have to think of work!!!

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend?
Probably

6. Which is more blessed: loving someone or being loved by someone?
Both... being loved is essential in life, but can get creepy if you don't want to be loved by that person, I guess!
But even if it isn't reciprocated, it is extremely important to be able to love someone deeply, cause the deeper that can go, the closer you can get to knowing yourself.

7. How long would you wait for someone you love?
Depends.. do they want me to wait? In that case I'd wait for a while and then make things happen.
Will my waiting prevent them from getting on with their life? In that case, I'll get on with mine and let them get on with theirs!

8. If the person you like is secretly attached, what would you do?
Move on!

9. If you could root for one social cause which one would it be?
Improve and spread education, and take care of orphans.

10. What takes you down the fastest?
A person. People, generally.

11. Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?
Playing with children, making people happy and being happy

12. What's your fear?
Not being loved, and not being able to think

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Out-there!! But nice :)

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?
I'm not likely to be poor, so I may as well be married!

15. What is the first thing you do when you wake up?
Look out of the window and look at the time!

16. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously who would you pick?
Lol!!!! I'd give it time, and cut myself from both; the one I can't help but like despite everything, and the one who actually likes me back equally, wins!

17. Would you give all in a relationship?
Oh yeah, if the other person can take it!

18. What's eating you now?
Irritation and indecision! and a cold, and a few mosquitoes (how did they enter my room!!??!!)

19. Do you prefer being single or in a relationship?
The thing is, my preference doesn't come into play at all. I exist in a state neither here nor there, nor likely to be anywhere!!

20. Tag 6 people...
I don't know enough people to tag!!!
But still..
Sim
Sangee
Mindy
Pinkerton
Madhula
Suk
Oh, ok, I do know six people to tag!

Thought

2008-09-21T15:12:00.003+05:30

Weekends are so nice. Just the word makes me think of rest and relaxation, of warm, comfortable days and a nice book, and baked apple and ice-cream! Since I started going to work, and realized that it's just like going back to school, I believed that my days of longing for the quiet laziness of weekends were back. Strangely, however, these last few weekends have been anything but restful...
There is just so much to do in life!!

Peace, Inside

2008-08-28T19:06:00.003+05:30

And suddenly, the storm
has stopped raging as fiercely
The noise within isn't nearly
as deafening as it was
Such a clear thought
Such a simple feeling
But bigger and stronger
Than the chaos of weeks!
An inner pool of peace,
Roots strong and deep
Sprung from the same source
And all will be well!

Unrelated

2008-08-25T08:35:00.002+05:30

It was so green!!!

This has been a very strange time for me. This whole year has been strange actually, but some parts of it have been stranger than the rest, and then again, some parts have been strange in strange ways. The absolute unsettle of the last month especially, has been troublesome. Sometimes, it feels like things are not so bad, it doesn't matter so much after all, it's just a little bobble on an otherwise smooth texture, etc., etc.. Then again, I wonder if I'm just being stupid.

Mist

2008-08-22T18:50:00.002+05:30

I'm lost, what shall I do?

Do? Why, keep walking, thats what we all do.

But what if you fell?

There is no lower we can get;

There is nowhere for us to fall to!

Look, oh, look! See, there's light!

What, can you even see at that height?

But it may be shelter, it may be warm

They may take us in, feed us...

Ha! Feed a vagabond? Yeah right!

Oh, slow down! We're so lost, why the hurry?

You're lost, follow me, else you'll be sorry!

You are as blind as I, this is a grey world

I shan't let you lead, I am as able as you!

Do as you will, then, and don't expect me to worry.

The silence stifles me, won't you speak at all?

Humph. I knew you would have to call.

Come, then, we shall talk and walk.

So where do we go, have you a clue?

We'll let the string unravel the ball!

The mist has left you Crazed!

What rot, it is you who are amazed!

What string do you hold, then, mad person?

Ah, let it be, you are after all a dolt!

Dolt or not, let us move, unless you want to be dog-chased.

What is that sound?

It must be.. water? Is that what we've found?

Oh no, you've lost all reason!

We've walked through water all this while

In fact, we've all but drowned!

Oh do stop it!

You're contrary and rude

Bossy and perverse

Ha! is that how it is?

And how polite are you?

Yes, yes, random poem. Just got written for no particular reason!

So Blue

2008-08-14T17:53:00.000+05:30

I was so fascinated
I took a step forward, and another
And never even knew, unthinking

It had such a rich colour
And then the hues would change...
Even as I watched, unblinking

It swallowed me up, I knew not when
And suddenly I awoke

I was changed, I was tinted!
Then it cast me away, just in time to see
How beautiful the colour was for me

It was a rainbow, and it was all the same
Within me, around you
It was all so Blue

Solo

2008-08-10T08:28:00.000+05:30

Sometimes, being accessible to others makes one inaccessible to oneself.

a year later...

2008-08-06T11:19:00.002+05:30

In the one year since you left us, we have constantly felt your presence with us, guiding us, helping us through our most trying times, and though we miss you so much, we believe you must be following your habit of doing good to others even in heaven! Love you!

[Recently, there had been talk of putting up one of those 'in remembrance' things for nani in the Koshur Samachar. Being the youngest, the job of drafting a fitting tribute fell into my lap. However, as we needed something somewhat solemn, I really didn't have much chance of writing something suitable! Ultimately, a rather touching poem was chosen and it all came out quite nicely, I believe. For this space, I'm putting up my tribute to the memory of an adorable person.]

What a strange morning

2008-08-05T10:41:00.002+05:30

What a strange morning. At about six or so, I was sleeping and rather enjoying it; I can't remember the dream anymore, but I remember that it was one of those highly entertaining ones, with action, suspense, and some human interest thrown in.

It was cut short, however, by an awful scream and the sound of what sounded like the contents of our entire crockery cupboard crashing to the floor from a height. I don't even know how, but the next thing I knew was that I had swooshed out of bed and into the kitchen, with my wits hastily but rather well gathered.

And what do I see, but dad, standing in the middle of a mess! He was just standing there, all the spoons and forks and things were strewn across the kitchen floor, there were tea-leaves, dry and wet, on the counter, the floor, even at the other end of the room!! I asked him rather calmly if he'd managed to spill the tea, and as he turned I realized he'd dropped most of it onto himself! I convinced him that slipping and dropping tea were issues we could discuss at length after he'd figured out how badly the tea had burnt him!!

So there we were, with a nice long stretch of leg turning a very bright shade of red... while I cleaned up most of the mess, mom sat and healed the burn, so that by the time I strolled in to check on dad, I found that there was only one spot near the knee which was still red. Even before I could ask what he was doing waking me up with blood-curdling screams, I had been dispatched back to the kitchen to make some tea!!!

Then mom had to get ready to go to school, so she told me to continue healing dad, so I did, but after a few minutes it really hurt my hands, which is strange. Ultimately I decided that all dad needed was me to sleep beside him, and he'd be ok :D

I woke up after a nice hour and half, where I'd dreamt that someone was healing me and sure enough, my hands now felt fine again! I was just admiring how delightful I looked despite all the distressing activity of the morning, when dad started jumping around again, talking of nothing but breakfast... the upshot of it being that there was no bread, so shouldn't we get some!

Since it had started raining I told him I'd run down and get whatever it was that he wanted. And then I walked to the shop, with the rain really coming down like it meant business, and I splashed through as many puddles as I could find. And now that we've had cheesey-toast for breakfast, watched a random TV show, and sent the maid away, I think I shall go back to sleep for an hour or so!!

Clouds

2008-08-02T11:37:00.003+05:30

A sea on earth, another high in the sky
And look, we cruise along...
The upper crust of the upper ocean!

Soft piles of clouds outside, glistening white and wonderfully soft and clean!
They go on and on, carelessly tossed around...

Some Thoughts, Or Musings

2008-07-26T19:40:00.002+05:30

There have been many good things that have come out of the mess of the last few months.

One of these has been the bonding between dad, mom and of course, little me. It's come to a point where it's potentially dangerous for the three of us to be together in a public place, for we can not help but see the ridiculous in any and every thing around, and knowing that the other two are as aware of the absurd, we must yet loudly ensure that they don't miss it by some oversight. Add to this the fact that we have the use of a language that is somewhat unlikely to be overheard and easily understood practically everywhere (unlike, say, Bengali!! :P ), and we talk in code besides, and you might begin to comprehend why we sometimes find it hard to stop laughing, when the codes sometimes start teetering off the edges of inanity and insanity. I apologize to those who are not in on this joke, but for those who are, I would like to mention the case of 'noshpao' just to refresh your memories.

Besides this, the other good thing has been the travel. Dad and I definitely prefer the train, which is why next months journey shall take place in one, but we are quite fond of traveling by air too, especially since mom gets so frantic about reaching the aero-port on time that we generally reach a good two-three hours in advance and then spend that valuably gleaned time poking each other in various ways. Once in the plane, there are other fun things to do, like wonder why, when there are a million flying institutes all over the place now, can none of the people who hog the mike on-board speak with any amount of clarity? They all sound as though they've learnt English from Rapidex, but that doesn't explain why their Hindi is just as atrocious!

Apart from all the Delhi-Bombay travel, we've also packed in three trips to Shirdi in the last four months, once via Pune. The parents also sneaked off to Bangalore without me! And since the rains started, the journeys to Shirdi have been increasingly scenic and strangely, increasingly short. Something which always makes me want to cringe is when there are huge lines to get into the main shrine there, and instead of spending that time, especially in line for the morning aarti, peacefully and contemplatively, people push and squish you from all sides, and constantly scream in your ears... I'm sure saying jai etc is all good and we shouldn't judge the way other people pray, but why don't people stop behaving as though there is a huge rush, just in case God pops out of the statue and gives something awesome to someone else!! Another thought related to this was the way huge numbers of people were present in Shirdi all three times; we even went midweek, thinking it'd be less crowded, but no, it was as bad as ever! And what is with the news channels??? All they did the last week or so was run sensationalized 'stories' about Sai Baba, which really left me with nothing to do but wrinkle my nose after the first twenty times of their repeating the same line in varying tones of 'this-is-big-news-people!'

I shall go tidy some beds now, which happens to be a passion with me, and something I'm remarkably good at, besides!

:)

2008-07-23T12:45:00.001+05:30

A Gift.. for someone you love!!

What Goes Around...

2008-07-18T18:00:00.000+05:30

The day was warm. Though still early, vehicles had started fighting for space on Delhi's busy roads. Dust and other unpleasant particulate matter hung in the air, giving everything around a rather dull glow.

That was how a layman would have registered it, anyway. To the eyes of one person that we know of, however, the day was bright, the trees were green, the sky was just the right shade of blue, and there was remarkable beauty in the most commonplace of things!

Ah, you wonder, Who could this person be? Well, let's just call her 'She Who Must Not be Named' or (S-wmnn, or even Superwoman). Hmmm... yes, that has a ring to it!

And there she is, in the mirror, with Ringo peeping over her shoulder! You remember Ringo, of course.. As to why the two of them are standing around doing such blatantly narcissistic things in public places.. we'll get to that in a bit. This story is about more than the two of them.

Let us begin here. It's a tomb. On this bright and beautiful/ dusty and hot day, S-w happened to give in to one of her strange whims, and ignoring the various autos jostling for her attention and patronage, chose to walk. And since she was in a whimsical frame of mind, it isn't surprising that she decided to check out the desolate and sad looking tomb.

A sometimes-enthusiastic historian with a passion for crumbling monuments, she was quite pleased that she had decided to visit the place, and had quite a pleasant half hour poking around. Since the general frame of mind was upbeat that day, she managed to view all the blatant encroachment, neglect and general pathetic-ness with much equanimity.

There was so much to do that day!!! After months, most of her friends were back in town!! So she made her way out of the little lane behind the tomb, and walked on!

Whipping out her trusty phone, she started locating her friends. Ringo, Singo, Sammy, Pammy and even Simba was back!! But as usual, it was painfully difficult to come up with a plan that suited every one... soon it became obvious that hoping to meet everyone in one place at one time was a bit too ambitious!! Apparently that kind of thing is something you just can't manage once college is over. Oh well! It was time to rush back to college where Ringo and Sammy would meet her!

Ah! It was so good to be back in the Cafe, where so much time and money had been spent, so uncomplainingly, and the effects of which were still reluctant to let go of some of their waistlines! Ahem. As they joyfully recounted all the latest happenings in their lives, they also ate and ate and fed the cat who wasn't adrak, but might have been! There was so much to say, so many people to crib about, but alas, too little time! Ringo and S-w scooted off to meet Simba at haat, leaving Sammy to finish off some random work...

Stuck in traffic with a rather slow Autowalah for company, Ringo and S-w were in a suddenly pensive mood. It probably happens as an immediate effect of extreme happiness. So they continued to discuss their lives, focusing this time on the more pensive aspects of it... A number of flashbacks and general hugs and sympathy later, they discovered that they were at haat!

But where was Simba? It takes a bit of looking to find people in haat, specially if they have a tendency to stop at every other stall! And that applies to both the searchers and the search-ees.

As we all know, there is not much that can be done to stop people from admiring bright baubles or fancy footwear... even the sad fact that there is never enough money to buy stuff doesn't stop anyone from trying on as many things as possible!!

In such places, it is logical that much thirst is the direct result of such activities, and very soon the two friends too, had to pause for refreshment. And what a lucky choice of food-stall, for who should they see sitting on a bench looking adorable, but Simba! After a few kulhad-wali-chais and chaat and such things, they were ready for more!

More conversation, that is.

In the meanwhile, Sammy was done with her work, which included playing with kids and getting some 'colour' in her cheeks.

Time now to hop onto a bus and meet the others!

Why does the bus you need to get onto always have to be the most crowded?? Sigh!!

She was startled when she got a phone call from S-w midway to haat, telling her that the plans had changed again, as she had to go meet Pammy! So she did the smart thing and put her foot down! As usual, S-w just smiled and did as Sammy wanted, cause there are things in this world that you just don't argue about!

And now it was time for Singo to appear on the scene! Showing off her brand new kolhapuri chappals! Ah, the joy of victory over haggling shopkeepers was writ large on her radiant visage!
And of course there was the unbelievable happiness of being back in Delhi, and of sinking into the cushy chairs at their favourite coffee-place, and that too, in the company of her friends! Doesn't this sound as though it was written by someone longing for simpler, happier days spent in the company of some really good friends? Oh fancy!

I think it's best to leave the story here. You know how it is, one gets all sentimental and soppy after a while! Let's just say that they all had a really good time, and were thoroughly tired at the end of the day! That's Sakura-chan, saying goodbye!

Look!

2008-07-02T09:45:00.003+05:30

It happens every so often... you look at something casually and then there is the double-take moment, cause there are things you just can't believe you really saw!!

Exhibit A:
'Please do not spit'

In the waiting room at Bombay Hospital, squeezed between cramped rows of chairs and a few dustbins of the overflowing kind.

Exhibit B:
Cow in box
or
Bisleri headed Bovine

Actually I found this somehow cute and hilarious at the same time. Ah, the beach, the beach, however filthy it may be, there will always be something to uplift your spirit!

Exhibit C:
'शुद्ध गोमूत्र'

Yes it really was, right next to bottles of rosewater and packets of incense and whatnot, in a posh departmental store!! After I'd laughed long enough, I took a picture, but I think I was still shaking with laughter cause I noticed later that it wasn't quite as sharp a picture as it deserved!

The Delightful Doings of Dad

2008-06-05T01:39:00.004+05:30

While the title of this post may not go down as my most amazing attempt at alliteration, I do believe it captures the spirit-of-the-thought-that-inspires-this-post most admirably.

It is just one of those things. You know, appreciating things that were, once they've ceased to be. And we had hardly noticed that dad wasn't the laid-back life of the party anymore. There was so much else to think about, worry about, get stressed about... parties and such like seemed to belong to another galaxy. And then we got a wake up call. The kind that really wakes you up.

Like all things in our otherwise humdrum life, we made the most of the big shock, and came to Bombay to fix things. The way things were unfolding seemed to have a pattern, but before we had danced to that tune for a bit, we were thrown by all the new razzle-dazzle that cropped up every so often. Really corny most of it, and yet unexpected, for who would expect bad drama in their own life on a daily basis!?!

Yes, indeed... there was the melodramatic (picture mom doing an Amitabh from Deewar... at the temple, you know) and the psycho-dramatic (mom again, dragging me to a corner of the hospital room, and showing me the glass slat in the window that she was convinced dad had tried to remove). Oh, but this is all about mom! Let us shift to dad already!

Milk!!!

So, Late at night, the night after his biopsy, mom and I were just about falling asleep in the rather depressing hospital room when we were summoned to the ICU where dad was spending the night. Frantic, we ran all the way to the other wing of the hospital, only to find dad sitting up in bed demanding coffee. The little nurse was at a loss. Oh, this is the time for a little dialogue.

Mom: What happened? Is everything ok? Should we call the doctor?
Dad: (cherubic grin) I think i haven't been fed anything. (pout)
Me: Hi dad!
Mom: Ok... you're hungry? Shall we bring you something to drink?
Dad: (imperiously) Yes, I wouldn't mind a cup of coffee.
Me: chuckle
Mom: (coaxing) Where will I get coffee so late? They don't have room service in this hotel, you know! Would you like some milk maybe?
Dad: (condescedingly) Ok, I could have some milk.

Nurse-ling ran around and managed some milk. Dad drank it all up and decided he ought to have a little more. Mom and nurse-ling huddled together frantically to discuss the lack of milk-at-hand. I hung around poking dad companionably.

Finally, it was decided that we should both go down and explore the by-lanes around the hospital to try and discover some milk for a hungry dad. And so we walked, late at night, asking at every shop that wasn't already shut, getting redirected by every shopkeeper, until we finally stumbled upon a dauntingly built man overseeing the boiling of a really large amount of milk in the largest kadhai I'd ever seen. Mom tried unobtrusively to push me behind her (just in case any of them happened to fancy me for their second wife, I suppose). Soon we were hot-footing it back to the ICU with a packet of newly boiled milk, praying that dad hadn't come up with any other demands in the meantime.

We really should have known better. He had snuggled into bed and was sleeping like a baby, barely deigning to open an eye to acknowledge our efforts.

Rooster-man

Some time later, we moved to the brother's little house, which is quite cute, and nicely located right next to a mini-basti. Just under the bedroom window is a little open space flanked by some kind of a shack on one side, and some tin sheets on the other. It is customary for a group of barely clothed kids to spend much of their time inventing games such as climb-the-shack and other such, which all involve much squealing and merriment. Dad rather likes it.

Apart from the kids, the little open space is also used to tether two goats who are rather quiet most of the time. But the star of this little circus is undoubtedly the rooster. When I was younger, I always had the impression that a rooster somehow always managed to cock-a-doodle-doo at sunrise or even at six am, and I always imagined people could set their watches by it. Was I wrong!!!!!! This rooster sings out at whatever hour of day or night it feels like, be it midday or two in the morning. Right under our window. Loudly!

I had managed to ignore it pretty successfully, and assumed the rest of the family did too. And then, one night, dad sat up in bed sometime in the middle of the night, looking concerned.

"I can't hear the rooster... They must've eaten it up!"in such a sad voice that mom and I could not stop laughing... To put his mind at rest, the kind rooster chose that moment to announce its presence.

After that, their affinity became more pronounced every passing day! Mom and dad were doing their little bit of healing, and throughout the rooster kept up a loud accompaniment to their voices. This prolonged the healing time of course, because dad would keep laughing everytime he heard the rooster, which was everytime anyone said anything!

Mom says we may as well adopt the rooster and take it home.

'The Happy'

2008-05-29T17:40:00.005+05:30

Up and down
Round and round
Tra la la
Tum tee tum
Jig a jig

Hop hop hop
Swing swing
Skip and twirl
And hum to the tune
That vibrates through me

:)

Darkest night

2008-05-17T19:49:00.003+05:30

A melancholy evening, spent in indecision and an excess of grief had taken its toll, and sleep eluded her. It wasn't entirely unproductive, that first night. She came up with the most lucid expression of the inner turmoil she was being put through... the latest in a seemingly unending list that fate had in store for her, she thought, sighing deeply. But oh, she liked what she had written... it had such pathos that she felt pleased. How well she expressed herself!

Trees are probably proud of their sourest fruits too.

The List

2008-04-02T09:26:00.010+05:30

It's been a while since Sangee tagged me with this one, and finally I am in just the right state of mind for it!! The tag requires that I list out my favourite Georgette Heyer Men(GHM)... characters from books who actually made us go starry-eyed and weak-kneed and induced us to spend some appreciable time spinning pleasurably exciting dreams about them... You get the picture...

The one thing that I did realize as I got thinking about the Men-In-Books(MIB) that I liked, was that I actually didn't like too many after all. In most of my all time favourite stories, it was the heroine who made all the difference; the men were usually either not as entertaining, or just not distinguishable from the rest of the vast gang of MIB..

Even so, some of them rose high above the rest...

First, I just have to have Heathcliff on the list... Wuthering Heights always affects me very deeply for some reason, and he is one of the biggest 'some reasons' around. This was one of the few books where the female characters really didn't leave much of an impact on me!

Then of course, Pride and Prejudice gave us Mr. Darcy(swoon, swoon...) who was typical in many ways, but had everything necessary(and in just the right proportions) to turn young girls' heads and put their hearts a-flutter.

This list is getting horribly typical I think, but how can I not add Mr Rochester to the list? He was one of the most interestingly believable characters in Jane Eyre, and I don't think I need to go on about it, except that I thought I'd mention that I loved that conversation between Jane and him where he said that thing about a cord linking the left side of his body to a corresponding area in her anatomy, or some such.. I found it a fascinating thought.

Ok, now for some hard-core GHM, of the GH variety... Many enjoyed These Old Shades a tad more than Devil's Cub, and while I agree that Justin was a much more interesting personality, he was , I feel, a bit overshadowed by Leonie! Hence, he gets an honorable mention here... Vidal however, I found somewhat cool!

Then there was my all time favourite, Sylvester(or the wicked uncle ;) ) who was just so ... everything that he should be, plus he and Phoebe complemented each other perfectly! And ahem... Ridicklus Gudgeon!!!!!

But I was most partial to Sir Tristam Shield, who refused to ride 'Ventre-a-terre' to the possible deathbed of Eustacie, but agreed to do so for Miss Thane! I really never got over that ridiculous bit about the balmy night air... even in November, for to lovers all night air is balmy!! (and all lovers barmy, presumably)

And oh, I also have rather a soft corner for Joss P. Weatherby, who may be found amusing himself in the pages of Quick Service, and while he shares traits and such with some other Wodehouse characters, he definitely appealed most favourably, I almost know-not-why!

I am not going to write too much about Aragorn(book or movie), because after all, it's almost a given! But while on LOTR, I have to add Gandalf to the list (Gandalf of the book, not the movie!)
And I thought Faramir was one sadly underplayed character!!!!

Ahhh.. no more for today, I am somewhat fatigued!

Etc..

2008-03-18T21:13:00.004+05:30

Classic hai na!!

I was feeling unsettled today, so I wasn't up to posting anything deep/ meaningful/ marginally longer. The next post will, I suspect, be the tag about GHM(you'll know what that is when it's up... or when you check out Sangee's blog, whichever is sooner).

However, I've been thinking of how sad it is that I don't let myself post some rather amusing pictures that I've taken over the last year. Every time I go to Bombay, I keep going back there and taking another few. There happens to be this amazing lingerie shop.. 'Glorious'...

Ignore the fact that the shop is nothing fancier than a stall in a tiny by-lane; they actually manage to provide a trial room/stall/box. And more importantly, they have the most horrifyingly fascinating displays. Or maybe they just have a special 'something' that makes them catch my eye, ignoring the scores of other (possibly) equally hideous displays slugging it out for my horrified (but undivided) attention. I have still not been able to forget the black-leather-glove-and-string concoction.. I almost regret not having photographed that!! But there are so many more, each worse than the last... even the wire-and-feather... or the glitzy electric blue thing... The most striking thing of course, is that since they continue to display this kind of stunning 'creation', it probably means that someone actually buys some of this stuff... I wouldn't have believed it possible.. I always thought it was humanly impossible to even try to don one of those things(specially the ones with all the string and ribbon... you'd get entangled faster than you'd know, and then what would happen to all those plans, eh?) but apparently one of my resourceful friends overheard a conversation between shady-man and his girlfriend (we presume) where he actually asked her to find out how much one of those would cost!!!! Erm...

Three Empty Cups

2008-03-16T14:03:00.003+05:30

Three empty cups
Disposable
But tastefully arranged
To artistically evoke some deeper truth
That may exist only within them
What could it be
But that they were and are
Empty
And hence entirely
Disposable

:)

2008-03-11T11:06:00.001+05:30

Morning!

2008-03-11T09:47:00.004+05:30

The sun smiles benignly outside my window, while a gentle breeze plays with the curtains. Sakura-chan seems to be in a good humour, and a substantial part of yesterdays loot lies untouched on the table. Besides, I rediscovered last night how nightshirts become me, and realized as I had never done, how comforting it can be to have some one sleep by your side!

Diary

2008-03-07T11:58:00.005+05:30

07/03/08: I am feeling unsettled this morning. This is a strange way for me to feel right now, because my room is looking beautiful, the little plant on the desk is flourishing, and even the toys in the room look pleased with themselves.

08/03/08: (morning) I am feeling mildly irritated, which may have something to do with people.

(afternoon) I feel sick!!!!!!!

(evening) After basking in the warmth of mommy, I feel much restored, though still rather under the weather.

(later evening) On our way to mom's colleague's daughter's sangeet (the highlight of which was to be an item number by some of the teachers of the junior school; the rumors of daring clothes added some interest as well.. mom would only darkly hint at 'backless and topless' tailoring) the cab stalls on a lonely, deserted stretch of road. No streetlights. Five minutes later, we are on our way again, the driver having done some fiddling with wires.

(ten minutes later) Cab stalls once again, this time on a well lit, rather busy stretch of road. To be more precise, the driver brings it to a smooth halt at the side of the road and proceeds to tinker under the hood. He says "In-Jun sarak gaya hai ji'. We are twiddling our thumbs for over half an hour. Mom gets fed up and we tell the guy to drive us home pronto.

So much for car not working properly... we experience a smooth drive back home, which takes us about fifteen minutes.

(a couple of hours later) After dinner, in the process of doing something slightly silly which left me a little sadder and a little wiser, I filled another page of the sketchbook with a lot of crayon. I am now tired, so I will sleep over it, and assimilate the wisdom which I've been trying to understand in various forms the last few days.

The Story - I

2008-02-05T20:06:00.000+05:30

"What makes a good mystery story?" she asked.

He raised an eyebrow. "Now, why would you want me to tell you that?"

"Stop being a pain, and just tell me!"

"Well, ok... some kind of a mysterious set of events leading up to an unexpected conclusion."

"Ah, now we are getting somewhere," she said, with satisfaction.

"Umm... that was a pretty basic and rather obvious observation, you know," he asked somewhat dubiously. It wasn't like her to be so easily pleased.

"Oh yes! I do know. But it'll do for now." She flashed him a half smile.

"For now??Oh, so there will be more of this presently, eh?

"Yeah, and next time you'll have to move up from that school-level answer to something rather more insightful."

"Ha! Will I? Maybe you will have something better to do before that happens! You really should do something productive with your life you know... Start taking concrete steps towards your goal... get yourself a goal..."

His sage advice was interrupted by a short laugh and a question. "What makes you think I am wasting my time? I happen to be engaged in a very important task - or I was, before you started trying to give me boring advice." She ignored his look of patent disbelief, and continued "I don't really ask too many completely pointless questions, you know!"

He couldn't help but laugh at her look of self satisfaction. "And what makes asking me silly questions qualify as an important task?"

"If the questions are so silly, you shouldn't answer them. But since you ask - I have decided that I shall write a book - a mystery story. Now you see why I asked you that particular question, don't you?"

"Since everything you say is about as clear as mud, I'm sure you will end up writing the mystery of the century! How does my answer in any way help you write? What you need is a good, sound plot, not sound bytes from me!"

She looked at him pityingly, though a discerning observer would have noted the slight heightening of colour...

"It isn't just the plot that makes a good mystery, you know. Don't under-estimate the power of good storytelling - the simplest of plots can become gripping..."

"If you say so," he interrupted. "But do you have any ideas for even a 'simple' plot?"

"What's eating you?" she asked slightly surprised. "That dame of yours had called, or what? Well, don't take it out on me! And as a matter of fact, I do have a good plot in mind, so stop doubting me!"

It was hard enough convincing herself that she could write something good enough to be published, without having people like Him questioning her as well! If he hadn't been her friend, she thought darkly, he really could be insufferable! Once her story was written, though, then he would have to admit that she really had done something worthwhile. Maybe he'd even shut up about that woman he kept talking about when she really didn't want to know!

His voice brought her back to earth. "Why do you always think it has to do with Her? Maybe I was just feeling hungry, and that was my stomach snapping at you! Anyway, tell me the plot that you've thought up."

"I changed my mind. I shall write it out and then you may read and admire as much as you like."

"Oh come on! You know I'm not the greatest reader on Earth! Just tell me... you'll get instant feedback!"

A wicked glint flickered in her eyes. "But you won't understand what my idea for the plot is - I don't explain very well - you always say so!"

"Oooooh so now we've come to that have we?? All right, I don't want to know. Don't tell me!"

"Fine! I won't"

She didn't know whether to laugh or be piqued with his response. There was silence for a few moments, then a new thought popped up and an animated discussion ensued... as always...

A single crack in the curtains let a narrow beam of sunlight into the room. It wavered somewhat weakly over the carpeted floor, like an uninvited guest, unsure of the welcome it would receive. There was a corresponding shudder which seemed to run through the room, at this unexpected presence of the long forgotten phenomenon of sunlight. The light caught on dancing particles of dust which seemed to pause when they realized they were in the glare. Slowly, an arm stretched out and then with one quick movement of the wrist, ended the drama...

That night, as she sat down to write out the idea for her story, she had to focus very hard, for as usual, her mind insisted on building fantastic scenes, imagining great lines that could be written, all without any anchoring-force to the story... It was almost as though they lived and had their own being, which refused to wait to be set in place within a larger narrative. When the small bits believe that they are big enough to Be the narrative, what really gets written has this strange thin feeling about it - as though it was being pulled apart even as it was written down.

After struggling for about twenty minutes, she sighed and decided to give up for the day. It just wasn't flowing out of her fingers, though it seemed to be buzzing around in her head, desperate to get out!

Sprawled in bed, she let her mind wander... it took the expected route, and soon she was rehashing everything they had discussed, everything he had said to her that day... She didn't even know when sleep swept her chaotic thoughts into bizarre dreams that kept her entertained all night long!

It was almost like the really bright flash of a camera, which blinded for a moment even as it revealed everything to the eye. Trying to control the slight trembling of the fingers, she looked at the mess revealed by the bright sunlight. How could this be?

Ummm...... To be continued!!!!!!

2008-01-24T19:52:00.000+05:30

Today, I attended class after ages!!! The course was on World Theatre, and I learnt the following:

When something that essentially evokes emotion is to be understood, it helps to use parameters which go beyond the gross ones of the tangiable world.

Life can't be lived using an academic approach. You can try to understand it that way, though. Then, if you are good at that, you can be called a theorist.

And here are todays photographs...

At full stretch, as you can see...

And, ah, that expression!!!

That be all for the day, folks!

Ramblings-II

2008-01-22T00:56:00.000+05:30

I need to find out the easiest and most effective way to build a dam, and it'd help if it turned out to be long lasting as well. Any suggestions, world?

Rambling

2008-01-22T00:53:00.000+05:30

What is particularly demoralizing is that it takes so little, and of such little real consequence to cause so much havoc.

Falling In Love Again... :)

2008-01-13T20:28:00.000+05:30

Recently, I saw this totally fun tag on Poo's blog, and decided that I wanted to do it too!! And the perfect opportunity presented itself this weekend, when I was sitting by myself in Dilli Haat enjoying a plate of momos and the kind attention of a rather friendly cat! Here's the mood...

It's pretty simple, all you have to do is put your ipod/ mp3 player on shuffle mode, and answer each question with whichever song plays next!

I found most of the answers hilarious and some just bizarre; Do feel free to comment(do I need to say this at all? :P)

1. If someone says 'Is this ok' you say....
Ek main aur ek tu.. dono mile is tarah.. aur jo tan man mein ho raha hai.. yeh to hona hi tha!!!
(khel khel mein) gosh, what must people be thinking! Blink-blink!

2. What would best define your personality...
Road trippin' (RHCP) hmmm.. interesting, this.. 'These lonely eyes are just a mirror for the sun', indeed!

3. What do you like in a guy/girl...
Spanish-guitar song from the Desperado soundtrack (Los Lobos) Ooer! it's all Spanish to me!!! oh, does that explain why I have no clue? :P

4. How do you feel today...
Makes me wonder (Maroon5) Wah, most of this seems unbelievably apt.. the day i did this tag, I was actually feeling all that... :-O

5. What is your life's purpose...
Summertime (Shaggy) hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6. What is your motto in life...
Pour Some Sugar on me... (Def Leppard) Woah.. really? ;) In the name of love, indeed!

7. What do your friends think of you...
Always a Woman (Billy Joel) I Love this song!! What girl doesn't!!! Hehehehe... if this is what they think of me, I'm thrilled!

8. What do you think of your parents...
Baaghon mein bahaar hai.. (Aaradhana) Ooer..

9. What do you think of very often...
Inhi Logon ne..(Pakeezah) Lol.... the drama queen in me Will not be subdued!

10. What is 2+2...
Maaeri (Euphoria) In other words, mummyyyy!!!!!! I dont remember any maths!! help!!!

11. What do you think of your best friend...
Suerte (Shakira) Since the English of this is 'Whenever, Wherever', I think it's going to confirm a lot of suspicions people already had :P

12. What do you think of the person you like...
On the Radio (Nelly Furtado) Ahaa... that doesn't sound too promising :-O

13. What is your life story...
Behind Blue Eyes (Pearl Jam) No one knows what its like...? Oh yeah!!

14. What do you want to be when you grow up...
Vague Arabic Song That I Don't Even Know The Title Of. Haha!! My future is as clear to me as a foreign language?

15. What do your parents think of you...
Jaane Kyun (Dil Chahta Hai) Eh?

16. What song will you dance to at your wedding...
Singin' in the rain Ah, now this I'd dance to anywhere!

17. What song will be played at your funeral...
Cloud no. 9 (Bryan Adams) O Well...

18. What is your hobby...
Rivers of Babylon (Boney M) ???

19. What is your biggest secret...
Ajeeb Daastan hai yeh(I forget the movie's name) Hmmm... Don't even want to get into how that could be it!

20. What do you think of your friends...
Video Killed the Radio Star :-O

21. This should be posted as...
Fall in love (Cliff Richards) :) I love this song!!

There we are! My firstest tag! And I tag the regular suspects.. Sim, Sangee, Suk, and whoever happens to see this and wants to do it!

For Sim!

2008-01-04T22:18:00.000+05:30

This post comes as one of many little things that make up a Birthday Gift for Sim.

Every year, when the fifth of January approaches, I find my creativity automatically goes into some kind of supercharged mode. I suddenly look around and find all these nice things that’d make nice presents, and most surprisingly, I actually seem to have money for the same! Which is all very nice and convenient, you know, cause two of the best share the 5th as a Birthday!

This year was a little different, however. For one, I was broke like I have rarely been broke before. Not that it really affected the ultimate outcome, ‘cause the old routine of money-appearing-from-nowhere to pay for the presents-which-appeared-from-nowhere thing still happened. But you can imagine, I’m sure, how it affected the initial outlook of the shopper (me).

Besides, this year I really had not even the haziest notion about the kind of gift I was looking for... so I wandered unsure outside bookshops, places selling fascinating knick-knacks, sidey looking stalls at Dilli Haat… Plus the two birthday girls weren’t too helpful when it came to this. One wanted a book which the other one planned to give her so that left me at point-non-plus. The other one asked for ‘dher saara pyar’ which is what she gets anyway, so that didn’t help much either!

Ultimately, I figured out a series of gifts for Sangee (just wait till I get to Bombay!!), and Sim actually came up with a list of things I could give her! This list included things like another picture story, which shall appear here in the next five days (as soon as I get back to Delhi and my store of pictures!), and a post dedicated to Sim (all good things about her). Of course, there are many other things I’ve lined up as a surprise for this wonderful girl, but here goes…

We met in college, like so many people do. It was a great time for me, ‘cause I was having the time of my life discovering myself. School suddenly seemed like some dream, best forgotten, for reality was what I was living out in those three years. Apart from finally studying exactly what I really wanted to, I was surrounded by people I seemed to have known forever, and I’ll never forget those afternoons in the back lawns of college, when we talked about everything under the sun, and when we really should have been learning some French!

Despite our best efforts at bunking and the temporary teachers’ best efforts at boring us to death in third year, we passed!! And suddenly we weren’t together in MA. That was a bit of a stunner, really. But hey, voila! It turned out that proximity wasn’t all that our friendship was about, much to our relief.

In fact, everyday since we met, we’ve been redefining what our friendship is all about (excluding the long weeks and occasional months when we didn’t speak on account of some or the other fight). And at the end of it all, there is still no easy way to talk about you. I mean, I could go into those long-winded descriptions using clichés, but you know I can’t, right. You’re beyond the cliché. I honestly don’t know how else to put it! Why you need to be self deprecating is beyond me, of course.

Oh oh... this is turning out to be harder than I'd thought it'd be! Let's just say that you are the best, most perfect You, and leave it at that... And while this was supposed to be the 'Happy Birthday Sim' post, it clearly isn't quite that, so I'll stop trying to use words to describe her. Words aren't everything.

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!

Wedding Diary-II

2007-12-12T19:32:00.000+05:30

Further Perils....

Last you heard of our fearless Baratis, they were braving everything from road-rage to mosquitoes in their heroic bid to embrace the all Indian experience.. However...

'However' indeed! Ignoring for the moment sundry small(HA!!!) discomforts, like upset stomachs, colds, coughs, fevers, and other malaises that go by no name, let us come to the next Big thing. It was big enough, you know.. another accident in fact!

On the way to the farmhouse (where we'd had the bright idea of staging the latest edition of the Great Family Reunion In Times Of Joy And Revelry), a car happened to ram into a man. The car happened to be carrying precious cargo.. B Uncle, N Masi and the kids.. and the Man happened to be a Police Man!!! Sweet, eh? We'll leave the rest of the picture to be filled in by your own imaginations...

Actually these were not the only brave Baratis. The very next day, R Bhaiya had a thrilling ride in an auto. Picture this.. Auto driver losing his cool at two youths on motorbike who bumped into his little automobile and sped away.. Next thing we know is the auto-guy does some razzle-dazzle manoeuvres and his auto swooshes to a stop in front of the offending bike.. Heated words are exchanged, and the passenger (R Bhaiya) tries in vain to dissuade Auto-man from any further discussion.

What followed was this. Threats and abuses flowed pretty freely, and emboldened by the fact that he was bigger and stronger than the two motorbike youths, Auto-guy figured he'd show them.. except that this is real life, and more often than not, you end up being shown things you wouldn't have believed possible!

So what do you know, pretty soon, a truck full of brawny men pulls up. Uh-Oh!!!! Pretty soon, Auto-man is being nicely beaten up. Bro tries to step in and stop them, but they coolly tear off his shirt pocket, which he wisely takes as a hint to stay away. Some ten minutes later, the crowds disperse, and a lone auto drives off, bro safely inside it, the chastised Auto-guy in melancholy mode rubbing the occasional hand on his now painful ear...

Wedding Diary - I

2007-12-03T23:30:00.000+05:30

The wedding is finally over! So many things happened that it's difficult to write about any of them, cause they all run into each other! But to begin with, I thought I'd write about the most unexpected perils of attending a wedding ever!

So, N masi and B uncle came to India to attend the wedding with the kids, and initially it was all good fun, with a lot of loud singing, painting and general fun which didn't really include getting any homework done.

The first day that they'd come over, my younger cousin and I managed to break a pretty pottery-thing while playing football inside my (rather small) room.

The next day, B uncle and I went around putting up posters directing people to the venue of bro's Mekhal. It was really entertaining, cause every time we put one up, we turned around to see a guard skulking in a corner glaring at us suspiciously. When we'd put up almost all of them, we turned to see the skulking guard standing behind us, hopping from one foot to the other and in the distance, we saw.. well, nothing much really, just that we didn't see any of the posters we'd put up earlier!

Apparently, his sense of 'dooty' kicked in a little late, but impelled him to remove the stuff as he suspected we didn't have permission for the same. He was right of course, and we hopped across and got permission from a happy looking man in the office. After that former-skulking-guard was as helpful as could be, helping us put the stuff up and whatnot! In any case, B uncle went and spoke to what I assume was the head of all guards, and they parted on the best of terms, B uncle having used up all the Hindi he could think of, ending with a very lightly accented 'dhanyavad'!

The next episode in their Indian Adventures was somewhat less merry. In fact, it was pretty much part of the 'Nightmarish Indian Trip' phase of it all. To put it in a nutshell(so that is it all concise and has depth at the same time, you know) there was a bit of an accident. No, let us put it this way... they got to experience the fastest growing phenomenon in Delhi... Road Rage!!! Picture this, two kids and one B uncle, travelling home, BANG!! Someone hits the car from behind.. Before they've had time to do more than make sure everyone is ok, the driver of the car behind them(the Bang-er) drags out the driver of their car(the Bang-ee... only one step or an H away from Bhang-ee, the discerning reader will note) and proceeds to vent in verbal and physical formats; the shindig ending only after registering in the minds of all concerned(or the 'All' we are concerned with) as another reason why India is only good in those little doses that come very very far apart...

To Be Continued...

It's Almost Here!

2007-11-11T20:34:00.000+05:30

It's almost here! Today was the eleventh, and all the action begins on the twenty first... though people will have started congregating here by the end of this week! And suddenly, all that cool assurance with which I was telling mom to relax is beginning to evaporate. Probably because the list of things-still-to-be-done seems much longer and more unachievable everyday. Also because some of those things I simply Do Not want to do! Such as shift out of My Room!! And more importantly, My Cupboard!!! Some day, I'm going to have a cottage where I will have a huge room which will be my library. I'm sure I will employ all the archiving skills I will be picking up in the next few months then, and I will probably become like those horrible library people who don't want people to get their grubby hands on their precious books! And I will have a wonderful warm dark wood desk and a super-comfy chair where I will write various things, and there will be a hidden drawer of course, where I will hide those strange thoughts I sometimes scribble down. And I should have an apple dispenser at hand. And one whole wall should have huge windows facing a garden, to let in sunlight, and in the garden should be at least one large, huggable, shady tree for me to read a book under, when I fancy doing so. And the kitchen should be sunny as well, with a worktable in the centre, and That kind of flooring, and a nice big oven and ok, a microwave as well ;) And the garden I will mess around in, and learn about gardening on my own. And I will have a room with a loom in it, to weave when I need to, and a room for my photographic needs, and a Huge bathroom, just like I know how, and the dressing room, which will just be a slight step down in my room, will have a beautiful wardrobe, and that lovely wooden chest for me to keep stuff in. And there will be a couple of bookshelves in my room too, of course, for when I get spooked and don't want to go to the reading room! And then there will be the pooja room, where I will also meditate and have my healing paraphernalia. I am not precisely sure if I want to have all this on two floors or whether a sprawling ground floor house would be better.. But I do want a sloping roof.. so maybe my room can be upstairs!
Oh my, how I have digressed! But it has made me feel so much better.. I might even get through the next few weeks with my temper intact!

Several Things

2007-11-03T08:30:00.000+05:30

At the moment, I'm a bit miffed. But that is, I feel, a very small dip in the regular series of ups and downs that make my life interesting. As indicated in the title of this post, I intend to write here about Several Things.

The Post Office Experiences:
Lately, we've woken up to the fact that the bro's wedding is less than a month away, and that we really ought to send out some invitations soon. Once this idea dawned, we moved fast - very fast - at the speed of speed-post, infact!
As I still haunt the wilderness of JNU pretty regularly, and since that happens to be a wilderness which had long ago swallowed a postoffice and stored it somewhere in the underbrush, I was appointed as the official Post Office liaison person. In other words, I was sent almost every day to post a few cards.
The first day there was a sense of reserve on both sides. You don't want to laugh at something only to find out that it was you who was the joke, afterall! At the end of getting four cards speed-posted, however, I sensed that I was being looked upon with benevolent avuncular eyes.
This impression was strengthened over the next few visits, which were increasingly resembling rollicking sessions of almost backslapping pally-ness. The uncles at the PO would very sweetly ask after my health, how work was progressing, and whether or not the cards posted already had reached. This, when I had expected boredom, curtness, if not irritation from them!
What struck me most, however, was the unruffled acceptance of technology that they had managed in, I think, three months time. Everytime the Printer would give him any trouble, Speed-Post-Uncle would coolly switch off the computer's main power switch and restart it. If anyone tried to suggest an easier alternative, he would simply state the obvious... He'd managed fine this way for the last three months, he was sure he'd manage now...

About someone:
As stated right at the beginning, I have ups and downs. Everyone does, that I know of. But lately I've noticed that certain people make me feel very sad everytime we meet. This doesn't have anything to do with anything, except that I had thought that phase was over. But no, it isn't... it just makes me want to sit and be sombre. And it really is ridiculous when I look at the big picture or the whatever it is!

About Someone Else:
On the other hand, there is another person who is making me very happy on an almost regular basis! Which is not to say I don't get upset with this person - of course I do! This is me, after all.. but let's just say the lows are fewer than the highs. And the highs are pretty high, in case you were wondering. Yesterday, for instance, I was so happy that even random people(including the snooty looking sort) couldn't resist the sparkle in my eye and my smile(bordering on a grin) and the funny part of course was when they'd suddenly look guilty as though they'd broken some personal code of not smiling at happy strangers! For the record, while I am not as high today as I was yesterday, I'm still pretty content.

About A Coincidence:
This one is nice, though slightly freaky if you think about it. As has been pretty well recorded in the course of this post, I've been happy, and nice things are happening which make the not so nice things seem completely manageable. Interestingly, in another city, similar nice things are happening to a friend, and it's freaky if you look at the timing... Everything is happening almost at the same pace!! And it's not the first time this is happening with us!!

About A Complete Stranger:
It may have been because the happiness was spilling out of me in semi-tidal-waves or something, but I was accosted and invited home by a complete stranger, who started out by looking a little worried, and ended up with quite a smile. As I was walking peacefully along the road, wondering where to get an auto from, a slightly-over-middle-age lady tugged at my bag and informed me that she'd seen me somewhere. So we stood there at the side of a busy road; she listing out the places she thought she'd seen me, how she thought I looked like her daughter's friend, how many children she had, how close their school was to her house, etc, etc, while I smiled on, and patiently explained that it was probably a mistaken resemblance thing. Then she grabbed my hand and walked on, telling me about how her knees hurt, and inviting me again to come home and sit a while with her. For a bit I was nonplussed, then I explained that I had to go places, so she saw me to an auto and went her way, looking pretty happy, and leaving me a bit bewildered.

Random but Highly Informative!!

2007-10-29T22:24:00.000+05:30

We record here a conversation between friends.. to protect identities is of course our policy!!

A: Actually what I want is to be thoroughly soppy and vent like those females I despise
but heck, I despise them.... so how can i possibly bring myself to do all that
B: Do it
A: Its disgusting I tell you!
B: Who cares?
c'mon vent... let it go
A: :)
oh well
ok I'll type it out and you are under no obligation to read any of it
B: ooh lurrrrrveee
A: ok
B: i'll read it all
A: lol
whats the ooh lurvveeeee?
:P
B: generally
A: hehehe
ok
so basically I'm feeling bored
B: tell na
A: I've been a little bored for a few days now...
basically,I think because XYZ hasn't been around much
and
as it is, I'd more or less concluded that most of it is in my head
cause I think he just likes me like he likes millions of other ppl
ok, maybe just scores...
B: what rubbeeesh!!!!!!
A: nono, first I get to say all the rubbish
then you say 'what rubbish'
B: ok.... go on
A: haan
so...
yeah, and then I was being bored
and i thought...
hmmmmmm
here am I, thinking of him
I bet he, being a boy, doesnt even think of me
even if he does like me...a little bit
which is a lowering thought!!
And then I think... who cares?!?!?
And then I think why am I taking this so seriously
Why do I have to be so sure I like him anyway???
I think that itself is suspect!!
and then...
Yeah, basically that... and then I can never figure out if he's being serious or not
And I suppose the thing that is most unsatisfactory is that I dont really know where I stand with him, though i'm pretty fond of him myself
And I hate making a fool of myself
So I dont want to be fond of him either
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ok thats about it
B: ok
A: that gives us a distinct feeling of ennui
:(
B: hehe
now listen, you fool
A: ok
B: first
liking someone isn't a strategic policy decision
So, regardless of whether you wanna like him or not, you have to accept that you like him
capisce?
A: ok
B: ok
A: now wait while I internalise this
B: :)
A: ah ok....
i dig that
B: ok
now, being in long distance 'like' is even trickier than usual, but that way, the chances of it going away more rapidly if it doesn't work out are much better
because things and places around you won't remind you of him
A: achha
ok
B: third
A: you may have a point there
B: he is probably as defensive about all this as you are, coz just as being vague is good sense for you, it's good sense for him as well
A: oh ok
B: because he is also dealing with a girl who may like him, or may not, and is not too forthcoming about how she feels
A: hmmm
B: so him being defensive is fair enough
ok?
A: I think I make it pretttty obvious
B: ah but in his head, so does he
A: noooooooo
hellloooo
B: what?
A: Everyone knows abt me and the way I'm being!
B: Everyone is not the crucial factor here
Does he know is the question!!

And so on and so forth... a very instructive dialogue, I think!

Urghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

2007-10-29T03:58:00.000+05:30

I'd describe myself as a Morning Person. I'm happy in the morning. I get over incidentals such as insufficient-sleep-once-in-a-while pretty easily when I see a happy sunrise. The only time of the day when I like going for a walk happens to be somewhere around Four thirty a.m. There is little that seems impossible in the freshness of a morning. Besides, the morning sunlight looks really pretty when it streams into my room, so there is always that to look forward to.
So why am I sitting here at Four a.m.(by any of my normal standards, the ideal time to be up) feeling distinctly displeased with the way things are? Ah, there are a few (maybe three) plausible reasons, but if you suggested them to me, I'd pooh-pooh your deductions. Thing is, while those may or may not add to my present discomfort, they pale into nothingness when we bring the real trouble to the fore.
Mosquitoes.
Horrible bloodsuckers.
How in the world did they get into my room?????????????
How many precautions does one girl need to take to be safe from them?????????????
How many do I need to kill with my bare hands before the rest of them take the hint and stay away?
Why do they have to choose to try and sting me on my face all the time????
Why don't they get misled by Sakura chan's real cuteness?? Why must they attack mine??

I think those will do for now. And you know, when you have other things on your mind, the kind that you want to sleep over, and wake up to find them solved for you.. well, it can't happen if you can't sleep!! And I'd left music on last night, but couldn't hear it cause the buzzing bloodsuckers were playing their feasting music so loud. Gaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!

In Black and White

2007-10-25T11:30:00.000+05:30

I thought I'd see what I could do with a little b/w... Always did think it was all romantic.. I suppose I'll manage to get the romance across someday; till then, here are the results of a small experiment.

Donut! Chocolate Donut!!!

Wondering Why? Or just watching the day pass by?

Yeah, we all know where this was taken.. but I always did like the way the chairs have this cutout effect..

And That's All, Folks!! Till I find my muse and negotiate for a nice write up..

The Colours of the Day

2007-10-20T20:57:00.000+05:30

Today, I made Palak ka Raita. For those not in the know, I have been pretty fond of this dish since those days long back when I was recuperating from a near-fatal attack of Malaria. Lately of course people around me have been hearing me going on about another 'dish' but ahem...

So anyhow, here it is, with a wodnerfully helpful 'How To'!!

After you wash the spinach leaves, dump 'em in a pan and let the stuff stew in its own juices. Then, shred the remains and place them in a decorative bowl, like so...

Then, beat some curd, and add it to the spinach, like so...

No, my fingers were not really dipped in the curd.. I reserve that kind of behaviour for cake batter. Now, put in a little salt and red chilly powder..

And mix the stuff...

Till it looks something like this, and tastes all nice and yummy!!!

And while I may remain undecided about Dish 'b' mentioned above, Dish 'a' always gets my vote for easy, yummy and healthy food of the day!!!!!!!

Deflated

2007-10-18T20:46:00.000+05:30

That's what happens when you forget you were floating on top of a bubble. You end up inside a balloon, or who knows, maybe you bloat into one, and then the next thing you know is this huge POP sound that gives you a headache, and deflation. That means an extended downswing, till you hit the ground. Yeah, that's about it.

'Exquisitely Beautiful'

2007-10-15T21:00:00.000+05:30

I just saw the meaning of 'Lovely' listed as 'Exquisitely Beautiful', and just Had to use that as the title of this post! It's been some days since I last came across words as striking as that.
No, no.. I don't mean to say that no one around me has used either of the two in my presence lately.. It's just that, as I was sitting to write this post, one of the things I was thinking of seemed to merit just this phrase!! The utter thrill of seeing my thoughts translated thus is, alas, indescribable!
So now, I'm going to follow my normal practice of writing in long, complicated sentences in a bid to conceal just what was so beautiful to me.. how predictable I am! I shall throw in a lot of red herrings for good measure, just in case anyone who reads this wanted to go fishing but couldn't. My good deed for the day, if you please.
So, I don't know if anyone noticed, but I've suddenly been posting more photos on this blog. The reason is that I suddenly realised how much I enjoy photography! And since I invested in a photo mag, I've learnt more about what I can do with my camera, and am experimenting everyday!
Not having got through for an Mphil in JNU this year is turning out to be a really good thing. I mean, I finally put in the effort to find out about learning weaving.. (of course I still need to figure out how to get to Bharat Nagar..once I figure out where that is..) And I returned to Pranic Healing with so much more energy than would have been possible otherwise! Most importantly, I always feel that not getting through did something very good for my ego. It pulled me down from thinking about how good I was, and made me realise that there was so much more to me, and that in fact, I was Perfect!
And now that I've got a chance to study at the National Archives for a year, I find that I'm happy merely about the fact that I'll get to study in such a pretty building, never mind that I am not too thrilled about the other people in the course! But then, even in JNU, I spent most of the first semester(and possibly longer) cribbing about how I didn't like my classmates.. ummm.. social animal, that's me! But i'll get over it, I always do.
An interesting insight I had recently, was in a way an outcome of all this stuff that's been happening, and I realised with great clarity, that the only time I felt totally healthy was when I felt loved. Now, technically, this should mean I never fall ill, considering the fact that ultimately it's pretty much accepted that there are people who love me. But in fact, this summer, I kept falling ill off and on, for about a month and a half! And but consider what made it all better!!
And then I decided to experiment a little, and see if I still felt ok without one particular source of the feeling. But ahem, I didn't. So I decided not to struggle so hard, and let it back, and what do you know, I was happy again, no more aches or pains! Umm.. actually I'm sure this is hardly a pathbreaking discovery, but still...

2007-10-15T14:30:00.000+05:30

So many things to write about, so much time to write it in, and yet, where is the post? I mean, it's the 15th today, and I've mostly been busy doing Nothing the last few days. I've even had plenty of moments staring up at the slowly revolving fan thinking of deep things, like how much I wanted to eat chocolate cake just then!! Or even, infrequently, about some things that happened or some thoughts I had, that I could blog about.

The sad part is that I even wrote it all out in my head, and chuckled at the gags and puns... and now none of it seems to be there anymore!!!! The stuff departed from memory with the hair that fell off my head when I combed it this morning, I think.

So, I'm just putting up another picture. Yeah, yeah, i know how lazy that makes me.. just so that you know it too....

Some Stuff

2007-10-09T22:25:00.000+05:30

I knew JNU and its environs were quite picturesque in dry, rocky and straggly-bush ways, but I'd never suspected that i'd ever get an 'ancient ruins' picture from there...

These are hardly ancient ruins, but the picture does have a certain something about it, eh?

And here's another picture, a major blur, which I like solely because of the colours... My first trip to Khan Market, when I had a delicious Chicken Tikka Roll, and then fabulous Lasagna at Big Chill..

And now I shall write another post by and by, which will probably include such scintilating strands of thought that you will be quite dazzled. Or dazed. Who knows!

Chomp-athon!

2007-09-22T23:39:00.000+05:30

It was another very Full day. In more ways than one.( I come up with the most awful puns at night, I think. Anyway.. )
On one plane of existence, there was a lot of activity, which left me physically tired and a little cribby, and then again, there was all that food... (the easiest way to put me in a good mood is to feed me a tiny bit of something yummy.)
So here's an inventory:
Tahar-tsarvan
Roth
Dal makhni
Nan
Rice
Lasagna
Fresh Lime Soda
Ice Tea
Four kinds of kababs
More nan
Pizza
Grilled mushrooms
Breaded Mozarella sticks
Biryani
Wonderful Chocolate Cake

And I wondered why it felt as though I was undulating rather than walking this evening!?!! And I expect to lose some weight before the brother's wedding??!!?? At this rate I'll never get 'shapely' enough to wear that adorable choli :( Eeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaarghhhh!!!!!! No!No! Tomorrow morning, before the break of dawn, I shall be up, I shall work it all off!! So there!

Photos

2007-09-18T08:01:00.000+05:30

I was left a little speechless, so I thought I'd just put up photos.

Chain nikal gayi thi

Local chai-wali aunty

Amir with his mother and younger brother

(hidden behind him in this pic).. from Jaipur.

In Delhi to get a Visa to Pakistan to visit their relatives there.

Extremely interested in the camera.

Young Tahir Husain was shy, but let go just enough to poke at the camera.

Koi Kaaran Hoga

2007-09-08T22:58:00.000+05:30

It's one of those things. I appreciate lots of 'finer feelings' and 'understand' what people must be 'going through' and am generally sensitive to the small-print-emotions. But I always have had this sneaking suspicion that there isn't much of that going around. How else do I account for the remarkable lack of it when I need some?

As a matter of fact, it seems as though there's a little too much in me, because of which, for my own mental and emotional well-being, I steer clear of most emotionally charged, moving, or otherwise thought-provokingly 'Deep' books. Sometimes, this irritates me no end, cause, well, I like reading good books!! But I found early on that I couldn't handle too much excess emotion... Wuthering Heights, much as I loved the book, would invariably depress me for a week.. Hence it had to be put in the skull and crossbones section of the mental catalogue.

Of course, some might put it down to nothing more serious than me being essentially moody; while that may be true, it removes some of the romance of being emotionally sensitive. As a matter of fact, I whiled away a whole minute taking an online test to estimate whether or not I might be a Highly Sensitive Person(HSP), and surprise, surprise!!! I scored high enough!

But coming back to where I started rambling from.. It sometimes gets very upsetting when I realise that however well I manage to analyse a situation and however well I might be able to gauge another person's reactions and feelings, and however much I might open up to a person, they just don't seem to get me.

The photos

2007-09-05T09:46:00.001+05:30

Strret Vendor

Shopping

OOer!!! Discounts!

Vintage Jag! Sigh!!!

Arbit wheel

The End

The Latest..

2007-09-04T19:34:00.000+05:30

And now.. after what seems like ages, the comp is back in action!! Of some sort.. ahem.
There was a bit of a scare when it had crashed, since there was no backup of the huge number of photos I'd taken over the last eight months. But peace of mind is now restored! And to celebrate, I've gone wild with my trusty cam!! Some of those photos shall be displayed here by and by.

The various kinds of mental turmoil I've gone through in the recent past makes me wonder 'what' and 'why' and 'how' and even makes me go 'eh??!!??' once in a while. However, having displayed the various emotions associated with each of the above, I retire satisfied with my histrionic ability but completely at a loss as far as everything else is concerned. Ok, now I am tired of typing, having roamed for many hours through the hugely crowded stalls at Pragati Maidan which is hosting the Delhi Book Fair.

Misadventures, Misapprehensions, etc..

2007-08-15T21:14:00.002+05:30

It's been a while since I've had days so packed with action. Ironically, when asked by anyone exactly what the action was, I am embarrassingly tongue-tied. Not because I have developed an affliction whereby I can't articulate my thoughts anymore..(I sometimes believe I was born that way.. never needed to develop it!).. but because there is just so much to tell, and then again, so little that is worth telling people who aren't living through this mess!

A typical day in recent times, would begin a little painfully (crick in the neck, a stiff arm, sounds of altercation or incessant irritating alarms ringing on other people's phones). This would, however, be followed by a surprisingly normal morning, full to the brim of mundane, everyday tasks that positively reek of the kind of hard work no one appreciates. Just to make things a little interesting, there'd be the occasional flash of temper, which, in this heat, does no one any good (especially when the person in question is me!). Further, lunches have been interesting lately, ranging from fancy-schmancy pasta, to yummy leftovers, to air and water. There has also been a lot of roaming around, mostly for regular grocery shopping, or to visit sundry people.

Once or twice, of course, the roaming around got a little more interesting. Take, for instance, the time Masi, Nani-bua and I went to the beauty parlour, which we fondly call S-de'beaut. The dames there didn't seem to be quite with it that day. So, they plastered Nani-bua's hair with henna, and ran back in five minutes to inform her that it would leave some oragey-red colour however soon they washed it off. She was quite aghast, cause she'd just spent some ten minutes telling them that she didn't want the colour! And the golden-orange that resulted was priceless..

Masi, therefore, was warned, and decided to stick with the pedicure and manicure. However, the dames didn't seem to know how to get rid of her fake nails. Ahem. And then, just as Masi had settled comfortably in her chair with her hands and feet in sudsy water, one of the dames traipsed in and asked her if she'd rather have a haircut first. So, of course, no contest, no manicure or pedicure!

And after all this fun, we reached home in rather good humour, but in the typical manner of these last few days, the evening was effectively ruined by churlish behaviour. Sigh. No one you know. Lucky you!

But I've tried to make up for everything by improving my mind and reading stuff to elevate my thought processes and generally become brighter. Thankfully, I have the tools ready at hand anytime I choose to lay my hands on them.. So I polished off a few Perry Masons, a few Asterix comics, the last Harry Potter, and Orhan Pamuk's book.

Ok, here's a picture mom took from the plane:
(I like it)

Nani

2007-07-31T00:09:00.000+05:30

On Saturday, my nani left her body. It was a strange feeling, standing in the ICU, watching the doctors trying to revive her body. It was peaceful to sit with her body and tell her one last time how much she meant to us. It was impossible to talk to anyone at that time, though. It was extremely disorienting to leave my nani's side and find such a large number of people assembled at the hospital within the hour. It was bewildering to have so many different versions of what we could and could not do over the next few days. It was distressing to have to accept that mom and masi wouldn't be able to see nani one last time before the cremation. It was infuriating that someone who didn't care two hoots about nani should get to bathe her and help dress her the next day, when the people who did so much for her while she was alive, out of love, weren't able to.

But whatever I felt over the last few days, I didn't find my eyes filling with tears everytime the many, many people who visited spoke about her, or about the things she'd done, or the wonderful person she was. I didn't feel particularly emotional even when they kept remembering how she used to name me as her daughter even when she'd forgotten the names of her own children. When we discuss the many aspects that made nani what she was, it makes me happy, and gives a warm feeling inside, not a feeling of loss.

When people call up or visit, and remembering her, start recounting stories of what she'd done for them years ago, or how she'd fed them, or taken care of them, I remember her as she was, some ten years ago.. vibrant, caring, enthusiastic, she loved gardening, she'd just learnt how to drive, she let us experiment in her kitchen, listened to our stories, she was just the most perfect grandmother anyone could ever have asked for!

But that was not the nani that we'd been taking care of, for the last two or three years. Ever since she was diagnosed with cancer, she had slowly, almost imperceptibly lost that verve and individuality, gradually turning inwards, and by the time chemo and radiotherapy killed the cancer, her body was ravaged and the pain she had to endure wrought lasting changes. By the time we realised that all was not well, she was in a bad state.

Alzheimer's disease had robbed her of most of her memories, and she was desperately afraid and distrustful. In this darkness, she still recognised us as somehow related to her, though she didn't quite know how.. and now she lost interest in most things that had earlier defined her. Her famed hospitality and warmth were replaced by suspicion and a childlike fear. The early days, when she couldn't find her way to the bathroom at night, and would sit and cry like a baby, the hallucinations, the increased aggression later, when almost the only coherent thought that she had was that she had to go home, to her father and the family of her youth, the pain that she had to endure throughout, as her body too began to give up.. these are the things that defined her last years.

But what I remember most clearly of my nani is the love I felt for her, the tenderness, the feeling that made me want to just put my head in her lap and feel her stroking my hair, the satisfaction on her face when we'd talk and instead of trying to make her realise that she was rambling, I'd answer in ways that she could still comprehend, the way she would smile when I'd go over to visit her, the way she'd still put on her spectacles and read with intense concentration the same line over and over again.

Most people are now grieving for the nani of some eight or ten years ago. But the last few years she had changed into nani the baby, who had nonetheless to live with a lot of physical and mental pain. I can't grieve, because she's finally free of the pain, she is finally through with this extremely difficult life, and I can't grieve, because I saw her at the last, looking as though peacefully asleep. Arjun, though so young, put it so well when he told masi not to feel too sad, because nani had, afterall, become an angel now.

Make-Out Madness

2007-07-25T23:06:00.000+05:30

We are, after all, quite public spirited. So, after a deluge of mostly angsty and over analytical posts, I present to you, 'Make-out Madness'! Maybe it should be 'making-out' but it doesnt sound nearly as well.

I was thinking about the recent trip to Bombay, and one of the high points, as I looked back, was the Cheeni Kum experience. Nothing to do with the movie per-se, except that it happened to be playing at Sterling that day. So, there were two seats to my left, and it didn't seem like anyone would occupy them, so I dumped stuff there. That had to be removed when a rather bulky gent and his diminutive date wriggled past. Not five minutes after they had settled in, I was disturbed by strange sounds... she wore a particularly rustly shirt, you see. Sounded like a stiff breeze through a pile of leaves. And I suppose these things make more noise when you're trying to be quiet about it! Anyhow, I divided most of the time of the first half between ignoring the various noises from the left, being diverted every so often to watch with great fascination, the two of them trying to make out while trying to be still as mice and quiet as leaves(and the uncomfortable glances that greeted my innocent fascination proves that they were unsporting!) , and in between, I even managed to watch the movie and laugh at the right parts! Sadly, post interval, they shifted seats, lower down... I still had a great view of them, but they didn't know. And without the insistent rustle I lost interest soon enough.

Making-Out at the movies, of course, is as old as movie halls. I first realised this fact while watching Grease.. the scene at the drive-in, remember? Strangely, however, the only other time I ever saw people at it in the movie hall was when we had gone to watch Zinda. Anyone who's seen that one will remember that it was rather gruesome in bits.. largeish bits. So I was rather surprised to note that this couple sitting right behind us had managed to block out even the most awful of the movies noises in their pursuit of passion.

One of my friends kindly shared some inside info with me(poor, under-educated me!)... So, I found out that even the Chronicles of Narnia make a rather charming background accompaniment once in a while.

In our many, many discussions on the subject, we have come up with many, many definitions for this term. The best and brightest will always be the hugging and holding hands version. Of course, while we were in school, one did hear of these horror stories, where two kids were caught in the act, poor things, cause their braces got locked together!! But all that clandestine activity in the school greenhouse seems miles away now.

The most recent education I got on the subject was from one of my dearest friends, who went no further than preliminary making-out, cause in the process .. well, she fell off the bed!

Thing to do

2007-07-10T21:56:00.000+05:30

This is something I haven't thought of for a while..
Sitting on the (slanting) roof of a reasonably high building, preferably in the rain, or else, just feeling the breeze whisper against my fingers.

Some kind of silence

2007-07-09T23:52:00.000+05:30

The last week has been extremely strange. I heard on TV something about the number 7 and how people governed by it are moody and so forth.. and that happens to be all I remember of whatever that woman with the bad haircut was saying. Because I've been exceptionally moody this last week, though paradoxically, I don't believe anyone noticed it particularly. And this week, when I was all about mixed emotions and confusion and turmoil, all around me there was some kind of silence.

It was the kind of silence that starts out by being imperceptible, goes on to make its presence felt, and keeps haunting you, trying to tell you that something is probably not quite right... only to settle around you softly, comfortingly, making you realise that it is not a cold strange spectre come to scare you witless, but a friend, a part of you, telling you that you need to remember what you are, that you can be with yourself and put your finger on what's troubling you much faster than you could with all the familiar atmospherics.

So, I've finally reached some conclusions. These, I hope, will help me live out the next phase of my life in comparitive peace. And maybe I'll even rediscover the Me who lived with everything essential inside me.

Almost

2007-07-08T08:55:00.000+05:30

I almost wish
I wasn't
one step
away from
tone deaf

I almost wish
I knew
the way
to make
happiness stay

I almost wish
I didn't
care what
anyone else
thought

It'd also be nice
to make a decent rhyme!

Guest Writer Again ...

2007-06-27T21:30:00.000+05:30

Lets hear it for our very own... Guest Writer!!!

Ahem ahem so here I set out to help my friend who would rather do this herself but since I am very impatient and she is under a lot of pressure I am doing my bit to help her!

Sometimes you wish that people while pretending to themselves and almost believing that they are sensible would take a peek inside or rather step out of their skin and look at themselves through others’ lenses. It would be a fruitful exercise in introspection.
Having established that, I think now I can continue in a similar arbit manner.

One fine morning, you wake up and realize that for no logical reason you are really pissed off at someone. You rattle your brains but they refuse to help you out. Then you call up someone and try to tell them what you are feeling. In the process, the reason why you are feeling in a certain way comes out, but as you go on you realize that it’s a very silly reason! So you try to push it away, not realizing that all these pushed away thoughts are actually just accumulating somewhere in the corner of your already cluttered mind. Then one day, suddenly, just a trivial incident becomes the spark that ignites the huge bundle of that inflammable material! There is a big boom and you are raving mad at that someone! So after cooling down a bit, you decide that the easiest way is to go and talk it out to the ‘someone’ concerned.

But two things come in the way,
a) the person concerned is not an easy person to talk to, one who tends to adopt a very defensive attitude if you try to point out things to them saying, shrugging their shoulders,” oh well! I am like that, take me as I am or fuck off! I do not give a damn about what the world thinks!’;
b) the normal human tendency is to focus only on one point or incident in the whole narration and to pick on that and then come up with a logical explanation of why they behaved in a certain way, which makes perfect sense when seen in isolation. But the point is that, that little point is part of a larger picture which people refuse to see because, well, precisely because they are concentrating so hard on that minuscule, unimportant, silly little, trivial thingy! It is like the inability to see the forest for the trees.

Moving on, forget the whole issue of major misunderstanding in the process of explaining. There are actually larger things at work here. Which are a teeny-weenie bit difficult to express.

There comes a time when all the accumulated pissed off incidents (which by the way you most of the time do not even realize existed), crash through the door making it inevitable that, you sit up and take notice of them! Along with that comes the sudden ability to see things in perspective and become conscious of certain characteristics about some one whom you love a lot. Things like their cattiness, their carelessness and most importantly their selfishness, even in a situation where the other concerned party is you! What makes it worse is that they probably do not even know that they are behaving that-a-way! Trivial issues like money, which at some point of time you had sworn would never ever come between you and your friends, acquires almost gigantic proportions! You are forced to wonder in what capacity you exist for people. You are forced to re-think a lot of other things as well. You wonder whether the concerned someone even has an idea of what they are putting people through, nice people, who cannot say a ‘No’ to save their lives. Do they appreciate the effort that is being put in for them? Will they ever say a thank-you to you? Or even a sorry? Do they realize the value of time, money and energy? And suddenly you see that the answer to all these questions is NO! It is a big blow to you! But that is impossible, you think! Further, the questions that haunt you are, when will they come to terms with their responsibilities? As member of a family? As a friend? When will they realize that life is not always ‘take’, but involves ‘giving’ as well! Giving love, time, no matter how tired or pre-occupied one is! You wish there was some way you could reach out to them and tell them how a little action of gratitude, of appreciation, can make someone’s day! Of how little it involves in taking, but means a lot, to a lot of people when you do a small gesture of giving.

Sigh…it is tiring, all this thinking. But the reason why one might hesitate in approaching the topic to that someone is not tiredness but the fear of losing someone dear.

a thought

2007-06-20T19:11:00.000+05:30

Will you remember how much I love you even if I forget?

On Being Good

2007-05-09T19:06:00.000+05:30

I finally felt the need to write, though it isn't something I thought I'd blog about. A few weeks back, I had attended a meditation at the Pranic Healing Foundation here, and while the whole experience was wonderful, there were certain things of a more superficial nature that made me for some reason, rather happy.

For instance, though we were complete novices, in that room, supercharged with energy, we almost effortlessly were able to feel auras and chakras, and the changes that could be wrought on these by the simplest of words. Simply saying the word 'Hate' was enough to make the heart-chakra shrink, while 'Love' made it larger. Saying a small white lie (the experiment we conducted involved a lady lying about her age) was enough to make her Antakarna slender as a thread... the antakarna connects us to our higher soul, our conscience, and even that white lie, spoken as an experiment was enough to damage it!

The experiment that I enjoyed the most was that of rooting. Imagining being rooted to mother earth, with beautiful white roots was all it took, without any physical effort, to become rock steady.

Apart from all the other deeper, higher things that were said that day, one story which I was much struck by was about Master Choa Kok Sui, who had gone to Sarojini Nagar Market, and once there, he purchased a large number of blankets and started distributing them. His pupils tried to tell him about how, in Sarojini, one is supposed to bargain, pointed out that many of the people were coming again and again for the handouts, and tried to prevent it. Master, however, heeded none of it, and continued to give.

The reason that I keep remembering this story and find it so powerful, is that it made me realise that if I'm being 'cheated' out of some money by a shopkeeper, it may be doing him some good, so i shouldn't mind it.

If someone comes for repeated handouts, maybe that person will use the blankets thus collected to set up an enterprise which will earn that person some money, and maybe that person will become self reliant.

Every one here is pretty clueless about most things, and most people beg for different things, often without even being aware of the fact. We need to share what we have, not hoard it and pretend that it is exclusively ours. Giving doesn't deplete what we have. We get other things, of greater importance. A nicer feeling about ourselves, for example.

And that is why that rooting experiment was so significant. If we were to root ourselves from within, there would be no more of that aimless floating we do so much of. No more swaying towards whichever side the opinions of others blow us.

And if only we could quieten down, stem the flow of continuous rubbish that we spew heedless of what it does to others, or even to ourselves. If saying one less bad or negative thing about a person can give me one more minute in which to say something kind instead, I'm healing both the other person and myself.

I guess that is the whole issue of being good.

Just A Little Angst...

2007-04-13T18:03:00.000+05:30

So I thought of writing about the latest angst in life, and in case you think this is going to be a revelation of some sort, well, sorry, and you might as well stop reading this already!

Angst during term-time, and specially near the exams tends to be pretty standard, wouldn't you agree? It's all about studies, how much one has managed to do, how much(always a HUGE amount) still needs to be done, how you are totally freaking it, losing your mind, wondering what you were thinking when you got admitted to the course, and so forth.

Plus there are the mandatory disturbances on the home front.. family 'functions' that simply Have to be attended, so what if that completely messes whatever excuse-of-a-study-plan you had; Since you are at home, the parents Always keep coming up with things for you to do, it isn't such a hardship to take a break and help out after all, right.. in my case, if I'm home I find things that irritate me all around, so I simply have to fix them right away, or else I can't study!

Since you already are in such a wonderfully relaxed state of mind, it is natural for you to vent your happy feelings on your friends, and hence there are always some lively interchanges, to normalize the effects of which, you usually need the active intervention of a third party. Hence, it is a time of major bonding!

Also, the kind of brain power that you are forced to employ during this short period can be likened to a brief spell of lightning, or even 'andheri, kaali raat mein ek maachis jali'... hence, there is a sudden spurt of supercharged thought, which may or may not actually get directed at the study material . Most often, this is the most productive time as far as arbit thoughts are concerned. Some of the most enjoyable and intriguing projects were initiated by me during my exams. Sadly, since this is a brief phenomenon, I never manage to sustain the experiments till any sort of conclusion. Sigh. Such is life.

Ok, enough tp for one day. Have to go and study.. exam date-sheet's out! And the good news is that after the initial scare of having an exam on my birthday, they changed the date-sheet so now I can enjoy my birthday! Yay!

Messages

2007-04-08T15:14:00.000+05:30

How diverse are the kinds of messages we send each other! What fascinating information they contain! And how heartwarming it is to read and re-read them! Once upon a time, I would never have less than seventy of these in my inbox... and then, I deleted them all. I never saved those arbit forwards anyway, so you can imagine how many Real messages I managed to hoard, especially if on an average, I'd have to delete about seven or eight messages a day, because, after all, the phone hasn't got unlimited memory!

Then came a day, when I couldn't take it anymore. I deleted all but a few.. and I mean really few.. three or four.. These were messages which for some or the other reason, I just could not bring myself to delete (ah, my soft, soft heart!).

For the rest of the un-deletables, I just created a new folder!! Hehehehe... so smart, I can be! [But anyhow, that folder is special and out of discussion. ]

Gradually, my Inbox started collecting new messages, though I always managed to keep it to between fifteen and twenty at any given time. This strict resolve to have no more than that number actually made me realize what is important to me at a time, and how that changes, and becomes redundant, sometimes over the short span of a day or two.

This morning I was emptying my inbox(having been too tired to do so last night), when I came across some of those I'd still saved, and decided that they were rather precious, and should be shared!

Sim - I AM D GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE... TREAT SKT LIKE A QUEEN ELSE U R DOOMED 4 LIFE! BOOOOO... and btw, merry christmas! :P

Sim - Sim:i think i've a v cute nose
antk:yes dear, so you do!
(ok, this one i actually didn't get for a long, long time!)

Sim - THANKS! Btw u still mad at me? pl don't be, pl pl pretty pl! i won't say dat gaali ever again! pukka!

Pari - 1.Hw u feeling? 2.Talk n make up hapnd. 3. S follg our footsteps, ignoring smriti sharma as we ignord khatri. 4. They r follg each othr, aftr all! 5. Huggy.

Sangee - You are like a cup of tea: warm, fragrant and soothing!

You know, there were so many more, specially the ones from Suk... the easter messages, for instance were wonderful... However, I shall end this post with one I sent Mindy(aka mini didi)

Me - O Mindy! O Mindy!
Kya lagati ho tum bindi?
Khati ho tum bhindi?
Aur jaati ho rawalpindi?!?
Wah, Wah!

One Fine Day...

2007-03-11T19:40:00.000+05:30

The sun rose, time to leave for college.. yet another day..

Ringo and Singo walked out of the hostel wondering if they'd have to walk all the way, watching wistfully as other people zipped by on bikes, or even in those irritating, noisy autos...
Ah, luck was on their side..

As they got off in front of college, the auto-guy asked them about the strike.
"What strike?" asked Ringo, mystified.

Singo looked at her, then pointed to the wall...
"That strike!" she groaned.

"Now what do we do?? This means no classes, and I'm definitely Not planning to waste this splendid day slogging in the library!" declared Ringo.

"Oh, I know," said Singo..."Let's go to the bank, I need to withdraw some money."

"Ummm... Ok..." Ringo didn't sound too convinced, but Singo wasn't listening...

Suddenly Singo squealed! "Oh my!!!!!"

Ringo nearly bumped into the suddenly immobile Singo, before she realised that the cause of the commotion was the friendly-neighbourhood doggie!

"No, doggie-dog, there's no food for you today, so let go of my jacket now!" That was as stern as Ringo could get!

Somehow they convinced doggie-dog, and ran to the bus-stop.

Even as they reached and began the whole process of securing an auto and then haggling over the fare of the journey, the weather began to change subtly...

"Umm.... Ringo, do you think those are rain clouds on the horizon?" asked the perceptive Singo.

"Oh, No, it can't possibly be!! No, I refuse to pay twenty rupees.. it doesn't even come to fifteen!!" That of course, was multi-tasking Ringo, answering Singo and haggling in the same breath.

Suddenly, their deliberations were cut short by a big fat drop of rain falling right on the tip of Ringo's nose! SPLAT!

As they ran for cover, Singo's brand new phone rang.. RING, RING!!

It was Sammy! "Hey, the weather is beautiful, want to meet at our favourite Coffee Shop and thrash out the latest events in our lives? I have a little surprise for you!"

Of course this sounded like the perfect way to spend the day, and so they agreed.
Strangely, just then, the sudden shower of rain stopped and the blue sky peeped out at them once more! Happily the two then concluded negotiations with an auto-man, and soon they were on their way, via an ATM..

Their day of unexpected surprises was not over yet, however!

For who should they see waiting for them outside the Coffee Shop, but Pammy!! That, of course had been Sammy's little surprise.

After hugging each other as though they hadn't met for years, the four decided to get down to the business of eating, drinking, and gossiping to their hearts content.

As Sammy and Ringo posed for pictures, Singo went ahead and ordered food.

With all that good food safely inside them, it was time for serious work.. or serious talk, we might say... except that their serious talk involved a lot of laughing!!

But they soon realised that much as they were enjoying this outing, the amount of things they needed to talk about was immense, and it was decided that Ringo's room in teh hostel was the best place to go.

"Hey, Singo, have you got my wallet?" asked Ringo.

"Your wallet? Nope.. You had it, remember, when we had gone to the ATM.." Singo looked puzzled.

Pammy looked under the table, while Sammy and Ringo looked through her bag once more.

"Oh no!! This can't be happening! How am I going to pay for all this food I just ate!?!" Ringo was really distressed.

Suddenly, Pammy emerged with the wallet! They checked to see if the money was still there(which it was!) and then paid and left before anything else could possibly get misplaced.

Pammy had to leave for work, though, so they promised to call and tell her all the good stuff she would miss.

They stopped on the way to pick up some Desi-Chinese for dinner, from the local Chinky-shack.

Soon they were comfortably settled in bed, and continued discussing 'matters-of-immense-importance' till rather late.

And with that, I shall end this story, with Ringo, Singo and Sammy deep in happy conversation, while Pammy slogs in office, far away from the other three (but close to their hearts and ever present in their minds, of course!)

Jaipur

2007-03-10T17:34:00.000+05:30

Another 'much needed break' is a good way to categorize the last few days, I suppose. Mom and I left Delhi Tuesday afternoon and returned late Thursday night, and it was a completely refreshing trip for me.

Of course, considering that I had a wonderful two weeks in Mumbai not so long ago, why I should Need so many breaks so frequently is a matter for much debate, but I shall probably deal with that one a little later.

I started enjoying myself the minute I sat in the bus, and since nothing of consequence happened that night even after we reached, I shall cut to the next days events. Now, we were staying with a friend of mom's, and her place is a little far from the 'sights' of Jaipur, so they hired me an auto for the day.

And so, at ten in the morning, my day of adventure began. Mommy had left already for the workshop, so I was on my own. It almost ended before it began, cause I came out of the bath just in time to see the auto driver already waiting outside, at the point of leaving, cause the maid told him everyone had already left!!!! I soon sorted that one out, though, and soon we were zipping along towards the City Palace!

Now, as anyone who has visited Jaipur will tell you, the traffic there is absolutely insane. I honestly don't know how I managed to travel there for two whole days without witnessing any accidents. Everyone drives around in any lane that they feel like and it doesn't seem to matter to them that the person in front had a right-indicator on.... if they want to overtake that vehicle right then, well, they will!! And yet, there was none of that awfully tense driving so typical of Delhi. They sped cheerfully, avoided collisions with admirable cool, and generally made nonsense of my ideas about good driving with elan. And despite all that, I was Not sitting at the edge of my seat or anything! Ah, all aspects of a holiday should be designed to promote relaxation and a general spirit of jig-a-jig-ness!

Then I did my touristy stint, spending about three hours traipsing through the City palace, another hour going up and down Hawa Mahal, then the Albert Hall Museum, followed by a swift, yet entirely satisfying shopping spree in Babu market.

City Palace was Fun! As it is, I am favourably disposed towards structures of architectural merit, specially when adorned with beautiful jaali-work and so forth... and to top it all, one of the main attractions here was the armoury!! What more could I possibly want!! Sadly, photography wasn't allowed in the galleries, else I'd have photographed every sword, dagger, mace, shield, matchlock and flintlock pistol there!! Sigh!!!

And the other place in the Palace where I totally flipped was this section in the art gallery where they had a display of manuscripts.. how shall I even begin to describe the state I was in when I saw a manuscript of the Ain! And oh, the feeling when I realised I could actually make some sense of the Persian!!

The only thing was, that I was enjoying myself so much that I so wanted to share it with someone! And none of my friends were here with me.. sigh! So what could I do, but continue with my solo-tourist-having-a-great-time role!

And yet, when it came to eating, I found myself digging in to pasta at pizza hut!!! That just happens to be something I have been doing a lot of here in Delhi as well, so the irony of the whole situation was just too priceless...

Now, since I am already tired of describing stuff, I shall just go ahead and ramble. First of all, stay at an hotel when on a holiday, cause staying with people you know just doesn't give you that totally free feeling... it was about the only thing that made my holiday a little removed from my ideal.. you know, come back to a room you don't have to bother to keep clean, and just go to sleep, order food, pamper yourself without any uncomfortable voices telling you that you're enjoying yourself at someone else's expense, so to say.

Secondly, carry your camera with you at all times, otherwise you'll end up like me at choki dhaani, with all these 'charmingly rustic' and totally photograph-able subjects all around and no camera!

If on holiday, do as those silly looking firang tourists at Dilli Haat do... watch puppet shows, get mehandi put on your hands(i didn't, but i had wistful tugs at the heart later, telling me I should've), and definitely have your future told by the local astrologer! I had a hilarious time at the palmist's, and was later wondering why more people don't go in for that as a professional option.

Ooh, and one must shop! I had a great time searching for cholis.. helpful shopkeepers directed me to the market at Hawa Mahal, and indeed, it turned out to be a goldmine! I must've become acquainted with at least ten different varieties of cholis, and though I ended up picking up just two of the most interesting kinds, I am already dying to go back and complete the collection!

And returning now to the question raised earlier, about this sudden need for frequent breaks, I can't quite explain it yet, cause there must be something that drives me insane every so often necessitating such measures, but I haven't figured out what yet. I'd thought that the Mumbai break had set me up pretty well for at least the next six months, but I was dying from strain within a month!! So now I've come up with an alternative hypothesis.. maybe the Mumbai break just got me addicted to the idea of disconnecting myself from the world for a while, hooked me to the high you get on being freed from a routine, from having to do nothing but what you feel like doing.. sigh!!

The Tree

2007-02-24T19:31:00.000+05:30

I first saw this tree almost two years ago, when I first came to JNU. It happens to be situated right outside my centre.. (CHS.. Centre for Historical Studies.. then, as now, I found the name somehow hilarious)

That year, it was beautiful. It had those lovely fringe-like leaves and splashy reddish-orange-ish flowers that Gulmohars do have. It was also the year of Helicopter.. the little doggie with the tail that whirred instead of wagging.

That winter, however, many things changed. When winter term began in January, the tree was bare, and even as fresh green leaves and buds appeared on the trees all around, this one remained dark and bare.

Of little Helicopter there was no sign. Instead, there were new puppies... Manto and Momma-dog had been busy, and the result were these three.. Sadat, Hassan, and dumbsicle(little problems creep up with nomenclature you see.. it was to be Sadat, Hassan and Manto, but Manto was the dad... then there was the fact that we also called them Dumbsicle and Pupsicle.. but again, had no third form of the same..)

A year later, and still no leaves. Still dark and stark and all of that, but not that wonderful verdant beauty. The happy family of doggies also had to face trying times.. Manto has relocated, while Momma-dog hangs out with her kids, and occasionally flirts with arbit new-dogs-on-the-block.

Today

2007-02-23T22:17:00.000+05:30

It was such a strange day.

I woke up upset.. I dreamt that I was upset with someone I love a lot, you see. And though I managed to shoo away that feeling, somewhere, it still troubled me.

I got dressed, and then about thirty seconds before I had to leave, I decided to change into a plain white shirt instead of the bright, warm red one I had originally worn. I kept my red shoes, though.

I turned on the radio in the bus and by the time I reached college, I was quite happy, satisfied with the fact that there was good music early in the morning, and that the sun was shining so brightly.

I was happy also because of those red shoes, which are rather cute. So I messaged some of my friends to share that feeling. One of them, however, managed to upset me through the feeling I got from the reply.. the wording was innocuous, you see.

Anyhow, more music and thinking about the load of work that I simply Had to do that morning put that feeling away as well. Entering the library, I kept the headphones on, and got down to the days work. There was a lot of that, and before I knew it I was through with one whole book.. then another. By One o'clock, I was feeling marginally better about the whole work situation, though I know It will only get more stressful over the next two weeks.

The music only stopped when a friend came over to my Univ. and I was so happy to see her, I chucked my latest primary source* and we went out for lunch.

The next two hours or so, I enjoyed myself thoroughly, because that's what happens when you are with someone like her. We also had Ice-creams! :)

Then, on the way home we picked up sis-in-law-to-be, and all was still well, though the drive was unusually long, and when I got home I was tired.

I lost my temper just a little bit, once again, when I saw that the stuff on my desk had been messed with. Not much, though.

We went over and met nani and nanu, but halfway through that, I just got very tired and for want of a better word, disenchanted. At least, that is what I suppose it was, because I slammed the phone down for no real reason twice when my best friend called, and then out of courtesy waited for her to slam it on me the third time.

About twenty minutes after that, we left, and I tried to call her because I had a sudden urge to apologise. It's not as though having a fight with her is not good fun, it's just that suddenly, I didn't want to do that anymore.

Then mom and dad went off for a wedding, and I had dinner and all through, I couldn't get rid of that weird feeling. So here it is, i thought if I wrote it out, I'd feel better. Let's see.

*Abul Fazl's Ain-i-Akbari, for anyone who is interested in these finer details..

Variation, or a Similar Theme

2007-02-20T00:53:00.000+05:30

Deep inside, there's something cold,
Something sharp and harsh
Deep inside, there's something warm,
Heated by hidden scorching fires
Each hiding the other,
Each hidden from the other
Pretending to have a purpose,
Pretending to have a right
To freeze or to burn
To hide away or erupt aloud..
All the while they play this game,
Nestled away still rules the Fear.

As the title says, this one is pretty much a variation of what I'd already posted, but in the absence of the time and energy to post something new and original and so forth, I decided to put this up anyway.

And oh, this was written during class one day last week, when I was unbelievably sleepy... That should explain the rather uninspired tone of the thing!! That day's notes are pretty funny actually.. there's a page of stuff the teacher was saying (hugely untidy scrawl) and then a cartoon of a kid flying a kite, followed by the poem, another half page of notes (I felt it wasn't right to ignore the teacher so completely!) and then sporadic breaks in that pious attempt at attentiveness as and when I had an interesting thought which, for once in a way I've noted down!!

Reaching Out... Reaching Nowhere

2007-02-12T20:07:00.000+05:30

Getting soaked to the skin,
But so sere is the desert inside
No rain touches my parched throat
No words emerge
To speak, to shout, to let anyone know
If it burns me up, if I'm so hollow
Vibrating in tune to the falling hail -
Hard, so cold, and yet
Softer, warmer than the desert in me
Sparks in the sky, the ceaseless rumble
Can't light up the harsh darkness,
Can't drown out the empty noise
Can't hide with those dark clouds
My empty hand
Reaching out to the empty air
Reaching nowhere.

A-moo-sing events

2007-02-04T16:04:00.000+05:30

Ok, I confess, its a bad pun up there in the title of the post... and yet, I was dying to write this post just so that I could treat everyone to the bad pun... public spirited, ain't I?

There are several technical problems one is faced with when writing. For one, there are these awful puns that tempt you All The Time!! If you manage to deal with them, there are issues of nomenclature, such as: what in the world are those things that I want to talk about called?? Cows?Bulls?Buffaloes?None of the above? Kind readers, you will, I hope, be itching to enlighten me on the point ... I eagerly await your comments!! :P

Ah, so where was I? Oh yes.. in the car, on my way back home! 'Part 1' happened while we'd parked outside this sidey shopping place near home which seems to be perpetually under construction, and is hence well supplied with lots and lots and lots of dirt. Picturesquely poised in the middle of the mud-pit was a happy looking cow/bull/buffalo. It looked as though mom would take some time, so I fished out the veggie burger I'd stashed in my bag, and merrily started chomping on it.

What happened next? A puppy.. jaunty little munchkin it was.. and of course I was seized with the desire to share my food with the prancing puplet. However, by the time I rolled the window down, it had jumped over a dirt-dune and disappeared. I sighed and continued chomping.

Idly surveying the sights, I happened to see a happy looking cow/bull/buffalo meandering my way. Now, as a rule, these guys(another bad pun!!!!!) ignore me and only deign to notice us when my brother is around(sigh). This one however, clearly had better 'taste' than most. (yeah, I'm going overboard with the bad puns now!!)

Next thing I knew ... it was drooling all over the window-pane even as I rolled the thing up! left nice streaks of dirt mixed with stuff-I'd-rather-not-speculate-about. And then it walked away. Yeah, it wasn't even a very long story.

Then there is 'part2' , which was even shorter! Again, in the car on the way home. It happened really fast, and I barely had time to take in that it actually happened! So, there was another of these c/b/b chewing dirt at the side of some road, and a dog poking around near one of its forelegs. Even as I noted this fact almost absentmindedly, the c/b/b lifted one of its hind legs and smartly kicked the dog on the backside!!!!!! Last thing I saw was the dog squeaking in protest and running away sideways.

So, thats all folks, except that I also had one of those flashes of insight while I was typing out the whole c/b/b bit... I know stuff for such a short time its not funny! I lose what I know inside my own head!!! I mean... when I was a kid, we had various varieties of these afore mentioned c/b/bs in practically every house on the street where we lived! And now, ten years after we left that-a-place, its vanished from the brain like it never was there!

Words

2007-01-31T16:48:00.000+05:30

There came a time when the very words I wrote began to irritate me. Why could I not write a straight sentence anymore? Why was it becoming so hard to express what I wanted to? Why could I no longer write about the way I felt inside?

So many questions, and yet, when asked, I wouldn't even be able to frame them in a way that would make sense to anyone else. Thus the process of shutting down began.

The new semester has begun, and this one, like the ones before it, makes me want to dance some of the time, and cry the rest of the time. But it also brought to me, most unexpectedly, a few pages that made me do a rethink about the whole idea of shutting-down. A few pages that discussed the way we tend to write these days, without really needing to think, without needing to question the words we are using, without even considering if we could just strip what we write of the extra embellishments and get back to the essence of what we want to say. It made me think about whether there was anything I really wanted to say.

As usual, I could think of nothing that was worth the effort of thinking through and then articulating in a form lucid enough to be put up where it could be read by people other than just me. Which is when I remembered that most of the pieces I'd actually enjoyed writing were those which had required no conscious thought or planning. These were things I'd written because it was in me and needed to flow out somehow.

So what did that mean? Those pages that made me think - were they entirely useless? I don't think so. It made me see why I had begun to lose the ability to write. I was getting bogged down by the way other people wrote - the feeling that perhaps that was how it should be done. I'd almost lost what it was to be me, except that I was so sad that I knew something was seriously wrong somewhere.

So now I'm back, and will be writing things that I need to; and I will try to reclaim the rest of me, that I'd lost along the way. Imagine - bits of me discarded just because I was acting stupid!