Nani

On Saturday, my nani left her body. It was a strange feeling, standing in the ICU, watching the doctors trying to revive her body. It was peaceful to sit with her body and tell her one last time how much she meant to us. It was impossible to talk to anyone at that time, though. It was extremely disorienting to leave my nani's side and find such a large number of people assembled at the hospital within the hour. It was bewildering to have so many different versions of what we could and could not do over the next few days. It was distressing to have to accept that mom and masi wouldn't be able to see nani one last time before the cremation. It was infuriating that someone who didn't care two hoots about nani should get to bathe her and help dress her the next day, when the people who did so much for her while she was alive, out of love, weren't able to.

But whatever I felt over the last few days, I didn't find my eyes filling with tears everytime the many, many people who visited spoke about her, or about the things she'd done, or the wonderful person she was. I didn't feel particularly emotional even when they kept remembering how she used to name me as her daughter even when she'd forgotten the names of her own children. When we discuss the many aspects that made nani what she was, it makes me happy, and gives a warm feeling inside, not a feeling of loss.

When people call up or visit, and remembering her, start recounting stories of what she'd done for them years ago, or how she'd fed them, or taken care of them, I remember her as she was, some ten years ago.. vibrant, caring, enthusiastic, she loved gardening, she'd just learnt how to drive, she let us experiment in her kitchen, listened to our stories, she was just the most perfect grandmother anyone could ever have asked for!

But that was not the nani that we'd been taking care of, for the last two or three years. Ever since she was diagnosed with cancer, she had slowly, almost imperceptibly lost that verve and individuality, gradually turning inwards, and by the time chemo and radiotherapy killed the cancer, her body was ravaged and the pain she had to endure wrought lasting changes. By the time we realised that all was not well, she was in a bad state.

Alzheimer's disease had robbed her of most of her memories, and she was desperately afraid and distrustful. In this darkness, she still recognised us as somehow related to her, though she didn't quite know how.. and now she lost interest in most things that had earlier defined her. Her famed hospitality and warmth were replaced by suspicion and a childlike fear. The early days, when she couldn't find her way to the bathroom at night, and would sit and cry like a baby, the hallucinations, the increased aggression later, when almost the only coherent thought that she had was that she had to go home, to her father and the family of her youth, the pain that she had to endure throughout, as her body too began to give up.. these are the things that defined her last years.

But what I remember most clearly of my nani is the love I felt for her, the tenderness, the feeling that made me want to just put my head in her lap and feel her stroking my hair, the satisfaction on her face when we'd talk and instead of trying to make her realise that she was rambling, I'd answer in ways that she could still comprehend, the way she would smile when I'd go over to visit her, the way she'd still put on her spectacles and read with intense concentration the same line over and over again.

Most people are now grieving for the nani of some eight or ten years ago. But the last few years she had changed into nani the baby, who had nonetheless to live with a lot of physical and mental pain. I can't grieve, because she's finally free of the pain, she is finally through with this extremely difficult life, and I can't grieve, because I saw her at the last, looking as though peacefully asleep. Arjun, though so young, put it so well when he told masi not to feel too sad, because nani had, afterall, become an angel now.

Make-Out Madness

We are, after all, quite public spirited. So, after a deluge of mostly angsty and over analytical posts, I present to you, 'Make-out Madness'! Maybe it should be 'making-out' but it doesnt sound nearly as well.

I was thinking about the recent trip to Bombay, and one of the high points, as I looked back, was the Cheeni Kum experience. Nothing to do with the movie per-se, except that it happened to be playing at Sterling that day. So, there were two seats to my left, and it didn't seem like anyone would occupy them, so I dumped stuff there. That had to be removed when a rather bulky gent and his diminutive date wriggled past. Not five minutes after they had settled in, I was disturbed by strange sounds... she wore a particularly rustly shirt, you see. Sounded like a stiff breeze through a pile of leaves. And I suppose these things make more noise when you're trying to be quiet about it! Anyhow, I divided most of the time of the first half between ignoring the various noises from the left, being diverted every so often to watch with great fascination, the two of them trying to make out while trying to be still as mice and quiet as leaves(and the uncomfortable glances that greeted my innocent fascination proves that they were unsporting!) , and in between, I even managed to watch the movie and laugh at the right parts! Sadly, post interval, they shifted seats, lower down... I still had a great view of them, but they didn't know. And without the insistent rustle I lost interest soon enough.

Making-Out at the movies, of course, is as old as movie halls. I first realised this fact while watching Grease.. the scene at the drive-in, remember? Strangely, however, the only other time I ever saw people at it in the movie hall was when we had gone to watch Zinda. Anyone who's seen that one will remember that it was rather gruesome in bits.. largeish bits. So I was rather surprised to note that this couple sitting right behind us had managed to block out even the most awful of the movies noises in their pursuit of passion.

One of my friends kindly shared some inside info with me(poor, under-educated me!)... So, I found out that even the Chronicles of Narnia make a rather charming background accompaniment once in a while.

In our many, many discussions on the subject, we have come up with many, many definitions for this term. The best and brightest will always be the hugging and holding hands version. Of course, while we were in school, one did hear of these horror stories, where two kids were caught in the act, poor things, cause their braces got locked together!! But all that clandestine activity in the school greenhouse seems miles away now.

The most recent education I got on the subject was from one of my dearest friends, who went no further than preliminary making-out, cause in the process .. well, she fell off the bed!

Thing to do

This is something I haven't thought of for a while..
Sitting on the (slanting) roof of a reasonably high building, preferably in the rain, or else, just feeling the breeze whisper against my fingers.

Some kind of silence

The last week has been extremely strange. I heard on TV something about the number 7 and how people governed by it are moody and so forth.. and that happens to be all I remember of whatever that woman with the bad haircut was saying. Because I've been exceptionally moody this last week, though paradoxically, I don't believe anyone noticed it particularly. And this week, when I was all about mixed emotions and confusion and turmoil, all around me there was some kind of silence.

It was the kind of silence that starts out by being imperceptible, goes on to make its presence felt, and keeps haunting you, trying to tell you that something is probably not quite right... only to settle around you softly, comfortingly, making you realise that it is not a cold strange spectre come to scare you witless, but a friend, a part of you, telling you that you need to remember what you are, that you can be with yourself and put your finger on what's troubling you much faster than you could with all the familiar atmospherics.

So, I've finally reached some conclusions. These, I hope, will help me live out the next phase of my life in comparitive peace. And maybe I'll even rediscover the Me who lived with everything essential inside me.

Almost

I almost wish
I wasn't
one step
away from
tone deaf

I almost wish
I knew
the way
to make
happiness stay

I almost wish
I didn't
care what
anyone else
thought

It'd also be nice
to make a decent rhyme!